"How do I know when I am caretaking and when I am being loving?"

I get asked this question quite frequently. The answer lies in understanding your intent.

Caretaking

Caretaking comes from the wounded self and the intent behind caretaking is to control. When you are caretaking, you are giving yourself up to do what someone else wants you to do in the hopes of having control over getting approval or avoiding disapproval or anger. When you are caretaking, you are taking responsibility for another person’s feelings while ignoring your own. You are taking care of the other person's inner child while putting your inner child in the closet. Frequently, you are doing for others what they need to be doing for themselves - which means that you are enabling them.

While it might look loving to be caretaking others, it is anything but. It is not loving to abandon yourself. It is not loving to give to get - giving with an agenda to get approval or avoid disapproval. It is not loving to enable others in not taking responsibility for themselves.

Loving Behavior

Loving behavior toward others always comes from the loving Adult. When you are loving others, you are giving to them for the joy of giving to them. The intent behind the giving is to share your love. You don't need anything from the other person because you are already full of love from having taken loving care of yourself.

There is no agenda attached to loving behavior. You can accept how the other person responds because you don't need anything back, nor do you expect anything back. You are giving for the pure joy of giving and are further filled in the act of giving.

Caregiving

Caregiving is a particular form of loving behavior. You are caregiving when you are giving to others what they need and cannot do for themselves. When you are caregiving, sometimes you do things even though you don't feel like doing them, because you love or care about the other person's well-being. An example of caregiving is taking care of children, even when you have to get up in the middle of the night and don't want to. You are caregiving when you take care of an old person or a sick person - doing for them what they cannot do for themselves.

Sometimes caregiving gives you joy, and other times it is difficult, but it never has an agenda attached. You are being kind because it makes you feel good to be kind - not because you are trying to get something back from the other person.

Often clients will say to me, "Isn't there a fine line between caregiving and caretaking?"

No, it is not a fine line at all. There is not a fine line between the intent to control and the intent to be loving to yourself and others. The confusion comes in because the action may be exactly the same. For example, you might make dinner for your partner for the pure joy of giving, or you might make dinner to get approval or avoid disapproval. While the action of making dinner is the same, the energy of it is totally different because the intent is totally different. Food made with love even tastes different than food made out of fear, guilt, or obligation.

When you give from the wounded self with the intent to control, you will eventually end up feeling resentful and used. When you give from the loving adult with the intent to share your love, you will feel filled in the giving, regardless of how the other person responds.

Heal your relationships with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.