Who is Running Your Show?By Phyllis
April 18, 2008
How do we shift from our wounded self to our loving adult. Could it help to ask "Who is Running My Show?"
In a recent conversation, one of my IB clients told me that she was upset about her boyfriend’s response to her question about whether or not he was willing to practice Inner Bonding. It brought back so many memories of conversations with my ex-husband, where I was, usually indirectly, asking the same question and pulling for him to say “Yes” by his words or his actions. These conversations were very stressful, very high stakes, because it always seemed that whether or not our relationship had a happy future depended on his answer. Of course, I now realize that I was attempting to find out if he was willing to take my little girl, telling her the lie that if HE was really doing Inner Bonding, then HE would take the job of loving her. However, the conversation with my client prompted me to frame the question in a different way. What she was really asking was, “Who is and will be running HIS show, his wounded self or his loving adult?” Clearly that question is about having your eyes on someone else’s plate, but it opened the door for me to ask myself a very important question, “Who is running my show?”
This question has been asked in many different ways. “Are your eyes on your own plate?” “Are you in the intent to learn?” “Are you willing to take responsibility for
your feelings?” “Is this my loving adult
or my wounded self?” For me, though,
right now, asking it this way, “Who is running my show?” is a very powerful
metaphor that gives me new access to my loving adult. In my mind, I see a group of shadowy figures,
my different selves, and I know that any one of them could be running the show
and has run it in the past. I see that I
get to choose, and that the nature of the show will change depending on whom I
choose as the director. Yesterday, it
seemed like I needed to simply choose the one who is the most loving.
Today, I got a different answer. I realized that I can let God run the
show. I had always imagined that
surrendering to guidance would be allowing something I perceived as outside myself to run my show, but the
image and the experience is of the God within
me. One of those shadowy figures IS
God. This is also my loving adult, only
she is really not separate from God in any way.
When I choose this one to run the show, everything feels peaceful and safe
and very, very gentle. I don’t think
very much at all. I am finding it easy
to find my way back to choosing her.
I am noticing that every attempt to control myself or
others simply puts someone else in charge.
It simply does not feel as good.
I was walking today and I usually walk fast even though it is
uncomfortable to do that. Today I stayed
at the loving pace. It was slow, but in
the flow. I think about something I just
said or did, and I can ask who was running the show and I know immediately by
how it feels. If God is running the
show, there is no force, no effort to overcome resistance. It just feels so smooth.
This evening I was with a group of people who were
briefly sharing their stories (a talking circle) and I was staying tuned in to
myself. I noticed the brief stabs of
anxiety when someone said something that seemed to come from a wounded place. I noticed how, at another time, I would have
wanted to say something to them about it.
This time, I just noticed and then took the inner action to reassure my
little girl that she was safe. And then
there was nothing I wanted or needed to do about anyone else.
I am not quite sure how to end this. I just want to smile at anyone who might be
reading this. Not say anything more,
just smile. And so it is. Blessings to you!
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|Making Choices from Your Wounded Self vs your Loving Adult|
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If someone close to you is often pulling on you for love, approval, attention, you might want to notice if you are in resistance. If someone close to you is often in resistance, you might want to look at how you might be pulling with some form of control. The pull-resist system in relationships is circular.
By Dr. Margaret Paul