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Do you attach your value to effort or to outcome? When you attach your self-worth to outcome, then you are likely afraid of failure. When you attach your self-worth to effort, then you likely don't even think much about failure, and you see failure as just part of your learning experience. Why not let go of attaching your worth to outcomes and instead focus on the process?


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Pain And Joy

By Ivanka Jankovic
September 16, 2010

Healing core feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, sadness, grief or helplessness require the same kind of dedication as with wounded feelings. It is willingness to name them, to open up to the pain they carry, be as compassionate as you could be, and take good care of yourself in the present.   Recognizing those feelings is not easy as they are usually covered with layers of judgement, shame or guilt.  Sitting with those emotions is far from easy as well. Wounded self instantly kicks in with all kind of distractions or just turns on a volume and mercilessly starts to judge or shame. She believes you simply cannot handle the pain, and her job is to not let you feel it.  Those feeling also have multiple layers, and some layers are tougher and take longer time to heal. So why would someone want to heal them? Behind them is Joy. It is not Joy caused by something you or someone has done but pure Joy for no reason. It is Joy coming from the Essence. 

This summer I was studying for my aromatherapy exam, and at the same time a heartbreak was coming up. I took time to release it and learn what it was about, yet part of me worried that I will not be able to cover comprehensive material for the exam. My wounded self offered immediate solution: postpone exam. I did that many times before when I allowed some outside situation to throw me out of balance. But this time I firmly told her: I am going to take exam on July 6th. I will show up and do what I know. If I need to fail I will fail. I am not going to postpone it again. She got the message.  One day I pushed away my textbooks, and decided to give full attention to my heartbroken eleven year old inner child. I told her it is ok, and I will stay with you as long as you need me. You are worthy of my time and this is not going in any way to affect my exam. She grieved, cried and told me the story behind the heartbreak. I just patiently and compassionately held her, and listened without any attempt to shorten the process. Once she calmed down I experienced amazing Joy. For a moment I doubted it was going to stay. It did for the rest of the day. I was able to go over my exam material with such clarity and did even more than what I planned.

I was puzzled. How was it possible that my day started murky and heavy, and then became so light and joyful? Was I suffering some kind of delusion? Recently while working on my web site, fear of success was coming over and over again. My wounded self wanted me to quit working on it. I found out deep false beliefs: It is not ok for girl to be smart.I would be more loved if I were dumb. It was not safe to learn quicker then others. My life would be better if I were a bitch. And more.

Beyond all those beliefs was very deep heartbreak.  Again I took time to be with my eleven year old inner child, as that was the age she suffered heartbreak and absorbed false beliefs. Once pain moved through my body I tapped into incredible clarity and joy again.  When I returned to work on my web site I instantly saw what was missing in About Me page, and what I wanted to say on Home page.

 It finally downed on me what saying "Pain and Joy are in the same box" - truly means.  


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