Longing For ConnectionBy Dr. Margaret Paul
March 16, 2015
Are you longing for connection? Discover what you need to do to create loving connection with another.
Deeply connecting with another is one of the great joys of life, and is something most of us long for. Deep connection takes away loneliness and gives us the experience of being deeply known. We feel safe and loved when our hearts connect. Research indicates that the happiest people in the world are those who live in communities where they feel connected with each other.
Of course we long for connection when we don't have it in our lives. But sometimes it seems elusive – even in committed relationships.
Larissa asked me, "Am I being needy when I am longing for connection with my spouse?"
A good question, and the answer is not simple.
If you are longing for connection with your spouse because you are feeling alone and empty inside and you hope that he will fill you up and make you feel worthy and lovable, then the answer is yes - you are being needy.
If you are connected with yourself, taking loving care of yourself and filling yourself up with love to share, then you are not being needy in longing for connection with your spouse.
When we try to connect with another without first connecting with ourselves, not only do we find that we can't sustain a connection, but we find that the connection doesn't give us what we hoped for.
When we long for connection from an empty, disconnected place, we are trying to get love, attention and approval. When we long for connection from a heart full of love, we want to share love rather than get love. This is what makes all the difference.
Unfortunately, many people believe that it's getting love that fills them. They don't understand the huge difference between getting love and sharing love.
Imagine two empty people. Each person hopes that the other will connect with them and fill them with love. But how can this happen when both are empty?
Imagine one person is empty and the other is full. The empty one tries to get the love that they want from the full person, but the full person feels drained when being with the empty person. Since people come together at their common level of woundedness or their common level of health – which is their common level of self-abandonment or self-love, the full person will likely not be attracted to the empty person.
Two full people who partner with each other are able to connect and share love in a long-term relationship, but two empty people can't.
How do we get from empty to full, from inner disconnection to inner connection, from self-abandonment to self-love?
By practicing Inner Bonding!
The more you practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding throughout the day – whenever you feel anything other than peace inside – the more you learn to connect with yourself and your spiritual Guidance and bring the love of Spirit inside your heart and soul. We feel full when we are being loving to ourselves rather than abandoning ourselves. When our intent is to love ourselves and share our love with others, our heart is open and the love that is Spirit naturally fills us. When our intent is to protect against pain and try to have control over getting love, our heart is closed to experiencing the love that is Spirit.
If you long for connection – for deep intimacy - start by connecting with yourself and with your spiritual Guidance and you will find connection naturally occurring with another who is also inwardly connected. However, if you are in a relationship in which both of you got together when you were empty, and you move into fullness, the relationship might go into turmoil. The relationship will get much better if your partner also practices Inner Bonding, but the issues in the relationship might become much more pronounced and visible to you if you fill up with love and your partner remains empty.
Anytime we choose to learn and grow, we need to be prepared for things to change – one way or the other. It takes courage to change your part of a relationship system, but it is so worth it!
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Attend to the difference between love and approval. Approval comes and goes, while love is constant. We can manipulate approval by doing things "right" but love from others is always a free gift that is beyond our control. We convinced ourselves that we can have control over getting love, but are you sure this is true?
By Dr. Margaret Paul