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When others are mean, angry, withdrawn or resistant, compassionately feel your loneliness and heartache but don't take their behavior personally. Their unloving behavior is about their wounded self - not about you.


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Calling Our Loving Adult

By Stel Fine
May 25, 2016

This article shows you how setting a powerful intention to learn to be loving yourself can strengthen your Adult Self’s willingness and ability to do so. Especially important if you’ve been stuck in your healing process. The Adult Self’s role is key in making progress in Inner Bonding.

For many years I worked with Step 2 of Inner Bonding - setting my intention and connecting with Guidance - with this version of the intention: “My intention is to learn to be loving to myself and I let go of any other agenda.”


This served me well for many years. Lately, however, I’ve really wanted my Loving Adult to be more aware of when she needed to act on my Inner Child’s behalf and to do it right away, so I found myself adding things to the intention. 


Here’s what I say now: “My intention is to strengthen my Adult Self’s willingness and ability to learn to be loving and attuned to my Inner Child in all situations and circumstances and not allow her to suffer - at the hands of my Wounded Self or anyone else.”


I know that’s a mouthful, but it helps me lay out my Adult Self’s responsibility to my well being within the context of Inner Bonding. Here’s how the phrasing of my intention evolved:


I started to notice that I didn’t always do my Inner Bonding process immediately if I got triggered and that my IC suffered for a while sometimes before I stepped in. That became unacceptable to me at a certain point and I found that I organically started to change the way I set my intention. I wanted to issue myself some marching orders, something that would wake up my consciousness to be aware that I was in a bog and needed a hand up. I found myself starting to say, “My intention is to learn to be loving to my Inner Child and not allow her to suffer.” That was really helpful.


Then I noticed that I didn’t allow myself to suffer for very long in any obvious way, but I might still let myself not exercise when I’d meant to do so or have more sweets than was really good for me or stay up later than I should if I wanted to be rested and vital the next day. So I realized my Adult Self needed to step more powerfully into a Loving Adult role - and starting with willingness would get me in the zone - so I added “My intention is to strengthen my Adult Self’s willingness and ability to learn to be loving to my Inner Child and not allow her to suffer.” That helped me respond more quickly and willingly. That signaled to me loudly and clearly that it’s my job to show up and be the “boots on the ground”. It reminded me that only my Loving Adult can take action in the world, set an intention, choose to have compassion for my feelings, or do an Inner Bonding process. It also reminded me that it was my job to be a clear, open, and willing leader for my internal team; a leader who deferred to a Higher Intelligence (Guidance).


The more I worked with clients who began to adopt this way of saying the intention, I was compelled to distinguish both ways that we can potentially suffer. First - as a result of what we’re saying or doing to ourselves (i.e. allowing the Wounded Self to run the show) and, second - in a situation where someone else was being anything other than loving toward us. (By the way, I don’t view feeling our core feelings of pain, hurt, grief, or loneliness as “suffering” as long as our Adult Self is present to feel them compassionately with the Inner Child. I do view experiencing the “cover” feelings of fear, resentment, anger, guilt, anxiety, revenge, resignation, blaming, worrying, and ruminating, etc., as forms of suffering.) So I wanted to activate the Loving Adult to step in in all cases - to stop the Wounded Self from taking over my internal air space and believing what my Wounded Self said; as well as being my Inner Child’s champion, feeling her feelings with her, and lovingly standing up for her with others. This is why I added “not allow her to suffer - at the hands of my Wounded Self or anyone else.”


I added “in all times and all situations” to anchor into my consciousness that I am on duty always - not to be hyper-vigilant, but to be present - in every situation. In this way, my Inner Child knows I’m always there. I’m always with her. I’m willing to step in on her behalf. I’m willing to open to Guidance. I’m willing to be compassionate to her and take the loving actions. I’m not going to wait and let her suffer. The repetition of this more detailed and robust version of the intention has really anchored in my consciousness that I need to be my own Superhero. 



Stel Fine

Inner Bonding Facilitator




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