At an Inner Bonding workshop on the East Coast, I had a challenging experience. The first night, during an introductory evening before the workshop started, I noticed a tall, good-looking young man staring a hole through me. "Uh-oh," I thought. "This isn't good news." In my experience, when someone stares at me with that intensity, they want something from me.

He came over and told me he and his wife were taking a break while still living together—that she had been doing inner healing work and suggested he do so as well, which is why he was at the workshop. His attitude was, "I don't really need this, but I'm doing it to please my wife. She's the one with the problems." His pull on me for my approval was intense.

During the course of the workshop, he took every opportunity to expound on his knowledge.

During sessions and on breaks, his pull on me for attention and approval was so intense that I found it necessary to disengage within a sentence or two of his conversation. I hoped he would volunteer to work with me during session demonstrations, so I could offer him my help, but he didn't volunteer, and there was not enough time during breaks for me to open to learning with him regarding his pull on me. I knew that if I spent much time with him, I would feel drained, as he was being an energy vampire. I needed my energy for the workshop.

I kept hoping that he would start to recognize his level of self-abandonment during the course of the workshop, since that is partly what the Inner Bonding workshop is about.

An Inner Bonding facilitator was assisting me at the workshop, and when she and I spoke afterwards, I asked her if she had felt pulled on by him. "Oh my God, his pull was so intense!

At the end of the workshop, the young man said to me, 'What I gained from this workshop is that I'm not as messed up as the rest of the people here.'"

Whoa! No wonder his wife pulled away!

Not only is he an energy vampire, but he is in complete denial as well. I felt sorry for him and his wife, as this was the exact situation I was in in my marriage. This couple has young children and I imagine the wife is reluctant to break up their family.

I asked my guidance if I had missed an opportunity to be of help to him by not finding some time to speak with him about his pull. This is what she answered:

"My dear, I'm pleased that you followed your heart and disengaged, as he would not have been available. He would have acted open but would have been angry and hurt rather than open and interested. He has much more to go through before there is even a chance that he is going to open to learning about himself. His looks and his charm are brick walls protecting him from the truth."

I compassionately embraced my helplessness and my heartache for their family. I felt sad at the role modeling he is offering his children. I prayed that his wife will not end up ill, as I did when I was dealing with that level of neediness. I felt the existential loneliness of not being able to connect with another fellow human being, and I prayed that he would open his heart to learning. I felt gratitude that I'm no longer available to having my energy used by another.

I realized then that my life-long addiction to caretaking was mostly healed, as I felt no desire during the workshop to fix him. I felt pleased that, during the workshop, I accepted my helplessness over his intention rather than attempt to care-take him.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

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