Are You An Energy Vampire Or With An Energy Vampire?By Dr. Margaret Paul
June 22, 2020
Do you suck the life out of others, trying to get the love you need, or do you allow others to suck the life out of you?
“Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones but possess myriad sucking tentacles of emotional need.” —Martha Beck
Another phrase for ‘squid’ is ‘energy vampire.’
When your intent is to get love, rather than to be loving to yourself and share your love with others, you are a ‘squid.’ When you are not in the moment-by-moment process of learning what is loving to yourself, and taking loving action for yourself, you are abandoning yourself and creating an empty hole within. This empty hole needs love, and you will try to get it from others in any way you can.
The Neediness Creates An Energy Pull
Others might not be fully conscious of the energy pull from you, but they will generally back off nevertheless – as your pull unconsciously feels yucky to them. Of course, you might find someone who is such a caretaker that they stay and let themselves be drained by you, but you need to know that people who allow themselves to be drained and used by you have strings attached to what they give. They have a huge expectation - expecting you to love them and fill their emptiness as well. Both of you will inevitably be very disappointed.
This issue centers around beliefs regarding who is responsible for your feelings, and whether or not you are responsible for another’s feelings. As an adult, you are 100% responsible for causing your own wounded feelings – your anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, jealousy, aloneness, emptiness and so on - or for managing the existential painful feelings of life - such as loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief and helplessness over others. When you fully accept this, you will stop abandoning yourself by either being an energy vampire or caretaking an energy vampire.
Suffering Due to Self-Abandonment
Over and over, I see so much suffering because people will not accept responsibility for their own feelings, and will not accept their helplessness over how others treat them or treat themselves, which may be causing their suffering. I see people spending years and years doing everything they can to try to have control over getting love, attention, approval, validation or sex from others, wondering why they never feel happy.
I spent the first 45 years of my life in this very situation, not understanding that I was abandoning myself. My ‘squid-ness’ was not as obvious as those who are addicted to sex or talking or blaming or complaining. I gave and gave with the secret hope that if I loved enough, I would receive love in return. And sometimes I did, but it was never enough to bring me the solid inner peace, joy, sense of worth and fullness that I sought. And all I knew to do was to try harder to get love.
Until Inner Bonding.
Inner Bonding Opened A Whole New World To Me
No longer did I need to work so hard to be perfect so that I could get a bit of love or approval. As I learned, through my Inner Bonding practice, to connect with my true source of love, my spiritual guidance, I experienced knowing that the love I had worked so hard for was always available to me whenever I was open to learning – whenever my heart was open.
After years and years of different therapies and trying so hard to do things ‘right,’ my life changed dramatically. I felt true joy for the very first time, and it wasn’t dependent on anything or anyone external to me! What a relief to no longer spend so much energy trying to control others to give me the love I needed! What a relief to no longer allow myself to be scapegoated by family members who had learned to blame me for their pain rather than learning how to love themselves.
What a relief to be empowered to bring my inner child the love she needs moment by moment!
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.
Image by Scott Webb from Pixabay
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In your relationships, do you focus on what you love about the person or on what you don't like? Which do you offer the most - appreciation or criticism? Since no one will ever meet your idea of perfection, why waste energy on complaints and criticism? If you spend your energy offering love and appreciation, you will find your heart feeling full of love.
By Dr. Margaret Paul