Does Another's Wounded Self Trigger Your Wounded Self?By Dr. Margaret Paul
September 28, 2020
Do you disconnect in the face of others' disconnection? Do you get angry in the face of others' anger? Discover how to stay connected with yourself.
Jenna was angry that she kept getting triggered into her wounded self when her husband, Seth, was in his wounded self.
"I work hard with my Inner Bonding process to get into a centered and connected place. I'll be doing great and then out of nowhere Seth blames me for something and it all goes out the window. I get so upset at him for blaming me and then I feel off center and down for days. Maybe I shouldn't be with him? Maybe my guidance is telling me that I'd be better off without him so I can stay in a good space?"
"No Jenna, that's not what your guidance is telling you. While it's hard for you to see this right now, Seth is providing you with a wonderful opportunity to learn to stay centered and connected, even in the face of his wounded self. Can you imagine being able to do this? Can you imagine how good you would feel to not disconnect from yourself just because he is disconnected?"
"Is that what I’m doing – disconnecting from myself?"
"Yes. Any time we are angry, blaming, distant, or acting out with addictions, we have disconnected from ourselves. You are getting triggered into your wounded self as a result of Seth being in his wounded self."
"But how do I not do that? I feel so upset when Seth blames me. Shouldn't I let him know that? Am I supposed to just be nice and hold in my feelings?"
"No, not at all. Your upsetting feelings are very important and you don't want to ignore them. But when you get angry at Seth, you actually ARE ignoring your own feelings. Take a moment right now to see what the deeper feelings are when Seth blames you, and if his blaming you relates to anything in your childhood."
"My mother was constantly blaming me for her feelings. Everything was my fault."
"How did that feel to you as a child?"
"I felt so unloved and unworthy – like I couldn't do anything right."
"Jenna, breathe into those feelings with compassion. See if you can connect with the core feelings."
"I felt crushed – just so crushed."
"Is that how you feel now when Seth blames you?"
"Yes, that's exactly how I feel."
"Jenna, if you had a little girl who was feeling crushed, what would she need from you?"
"She would need for me to hold her and understand her feelings."
"Yes. And this is exactly what your inner child needs from you when Seth blames you. But instead, you abandon her, completely disconnecting from her and instead getting angry with Seth. This is why you end up feeling so badly. Next time Seth blames you, I'm hoping you will be willing to try something different.
“The moment he blames you, put your hands on your heart, breathe into your heart, connect with the love and compassion of your guidance, and bring that compassion down to the little girl inside who feels crushed. Let her know she is not alone, that you are here and spirit is here and you fully understand why she feels crushed. Hold the feelings with compassion and tenderness until they begin to dissipate. Then give them to spirit. Are you willing to try this?"
Jenna reported in our next session that she was thrilled with being able to stay centered and connected when Seth blamed her. She found that if she just went inside, rather than outside to control Seth, she soon felt good again. And to her surprise, Seth seemed to be blaming her less and less.
Our inner child needs for us to stay connected with our own feelings in the face of another's disconnection from themselves and from us.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
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What is more important to you, safety or aliveness? What is more important to you, safety or intimacy? What is more important to you, safety or integrity? What is more important to you, safety or courage? Today, step out of your safety zone.
By Dr. Margaret Paul