I often work with clients whose partner left suddenly, and the lack of closure can be challenging.

Sandra asks:

"I've read that anything that pushes an emotional button in you is a signal that you are operating from a limited perspective. My partner left six months ago for someone else. It still hurts when I think about her and imagine what it would be like to see her again. I feel that if things had been left with love, respect and an honoring of the love and time we shared I would feel differently about this, more at peace. I want to be able to remember her with gratitude for the entire experience. How can I do that when I feel that there is unresolved energy, a lack of 'needed' closure? I'm searching for a broader perspective and what this is telling me about myself. Thanks so much!"

Sandra, one thing that is important here is to let go of believing that your partner is responsible for your lack of peace. While it certainly would have been easier had she left with love and respect for what you shared in your relationship, the fact that this didn't happen is not the cause of your lack of peace.

I hear you making her responsible for your feelings. You say that you want to be able to remember her with gratitude, but you believe you can't when there is unresolved energy.

Gratitude is Your Choice

Sandra, whether or not you choose to remember her with gratitude is entirely up to you. Your lack of peace is because you are focusing on her and what she didn't do, rather than on you and what you might be telling yourself, which is causing your lack of peace. You are telling yourself that you can't have peace and gratitude without closure, and this isn't true. Part of your lack of peace is because you are focusing on what you can't control – the lack of closure – rather than on what you can control – which is your own thoughts about the situation. As long as you tell yourself you can't have peace and gratitude until she offers closure, you will feel like a victim of her choices.

At any moment, you can choose to look on the whole experience with gratitude. At any moment, you can accept your lack of control over how it ended, which will give you peace. We generally feel a lack of peace when we try to control that which we can't control, or when we focus on wishing something was different than it is

Right now, you can find your peace by fully accepting your helplessness over your ex-partner's choice to leave without closure.

Hurt Feelings vs. Hurt Heart

You might want to explore what you are telling yourself that is causing your continued pain. Are you allowing your inner child to take the leaving personally? Are you telling yourself you've done something wrong? Certainly, you might still be feeling the loneliness and heartbreak inherent in the loss. At the same time, your search for a broader perspective has great potential.

To move into your peace, you need to fully embrace your loneliness, heartbreak, and helplessness with deep compassion for yourself. Is focusing on her lack of closure protecting you from feeling your deeper core painful feelings from the loss? These are some of the things you need to explore to be able to move beyond the hurt and into peace and gratitude.

This is the broader perspective you are asking for – to explore and take full responsibility for all your own feelings rather than using the lack of closure as a way out of doing your own inner work.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

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