Relationships: When is Enough Enough?By Dr. Margaret Paul
October 18, 2021
How can you know when it's time to leave a relationship?
"I've had it! Enough is enough!"
Have you ever said this regarding a relationship? What did you do? Did you actually leave when you said this, or was this just a threat?
I can't tell you how many times clients have asked me, "When is it time to leave this relationship?"
When there is physical abuse, threats of violence, or constant verbal and emotional abuse, my answer is, "NOW!" It is never loving, for either party, to stay in an abusive relationship.
When abuse is not an issue, my answer is, "After you've learned how to connect with yourself and your spiritual guidance, and how to create inner peace and fullness, and you still don't feel connected with your partner."
There is one major ingredient that needs to be present for people to learn and grow with each other, to connect with each other, and for the relationship to continue to evolve and deepen: the intent to learn.
What's going on in your relationship regarding the intent to learn?
- Are you both devoted to learning to take responsibility for your own feelings?
- Are you both devoted to learning from your triggers and pain?
- Are you both devoted to learning about each other, especially when there is a conflict?
- When you are triggered into your wounded selves in a conflict with each other, do you lovingly disengage, do your own learning, and then at some point, come back together, open, to share your learning and resolve the conflict?
Or are these choices going on with only one of you? Or neither of you?
If one of you opens to learning and the other doesn't, it can be challenging for the relationship to last. If either one or both of you are threatening with "I've had it! Enough is enough!" then it’s likely that neither of you are open to learning.
How do I know this?
Because a person who is operating from their loving adult will not use an empty threat. Rather, this is the kind of thing the wounded self would do. It's an angry and blaming statement, and only the wounded self blames.
If you leave your partner, blaming them for the breakup, then you have not done the inner work to make yourself peaceful and full. You will take all that is unhealed in you into your next relationship and likely end up with the same or a similar outcome.
Unless there is abuse, it is a complete waste of time to leave until you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings and make yourself happy.
Once you feel full and peaceful inside, AND you are loving and valuing yourself, AND you are no longer blaming your partner for your unhappiness, AND you are available to share love – then, IF there is still no way to connect, learn and grow with your partner, it may be time to leave, if that is what you want to do.
So, instead of worrying about whether or not to leave, focus on learning and practicing Inner Bonding. When you connect with yourself and with your spiritual guidance, you will know whether or not to leave, and exactly when. You will not have to ask anyone else whether it is in your highest good – you will KNOW.
If there is no abuse, and if you hear yourself asking, "When is enough enough?" or saying, "I've had it. Enough is enough!" you have some inner work to do. Leaving without doing your work will not solve anything.
Heal your relationship with Dr. Margaret’s 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
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By Dr. Margaret Paul