When to End a RelationshipBy Dr. Margaret Paul
September 01, 2013
I am often asked "How do I know when to end a relationship?" Find out why many people end their relationship too soon.
I am often asked "How do I know when to end a relationship?" Most people end relationships much too soon. If your physical or emotional safety is being threatened, then you need to leave as soon as possible. However, other than when there is abuse, you may have much to learn before leaving is loving to yourself.
I tell people not to leave when they are unhappy and blaming their partner for their unhappiness. We take our fears, beliefs and resulting controlling behavior with us wherever we go - so leaving does not leave these behind. Leaving before doing your own inner work is a waste of time regarding your personal growth. Your issues get triggered within a relationship, so why not stay, learn and grow - as long as there is no abuse? If you want to be in a loving relationship, then you need to heal your end of your dyfunctional relationship system before moving into another relationship. I have worked with couples for years and have seen over and over that people create the same unsafe, dysfunctional system with multiple new partners.
The time to end a relationship is when:
- You have healed your own fears of rejection and engulfment
- You are no longer reactive to your partner's controlling behavior
- You are able to stay open to learning in the face of conflict
When you are able to stay in your higher mind and keep your loving adult self present in conflict, and take loving care of yourself without violating your partner, you will find yourself feeling happy and peaceful within. After all, happiness comes primarly from how we treat ourselves and others, not from how others treat us.
If, once you have achieved this, you still feel no connection with your partner and your partner is not open to learning, growing and healing with you, it may be time to leave if that is what you want to do. It is highly likely that, once you have done your own healing work, either your system with your partner will heal, or if you leave, you will draw in a new partner who is open to learning.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Relationships Course: "Loving Relationships: A 30-Day Experience with Dr. Margaret Paul - For people who are partnered and people who want to be partnered."
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What is your first reaction when someone is harsh, critical, sarcastic, angry, judgmental, attacking? Do you attack back? Do you withdraw and get silent? Do you defend and explain? Today, honor the feeling in your body that says "This doesn't feel good" and either speak your truth without blame, defense or judgment and open to learning, or lovingly disengage and compassionately take care of your feelings.
By Dr. Margaret Paul