Managing Your Children's Rejection of You

By Dr. Margaret Paul
November 14, 2007

Are you taking your children's behavior personally and ending up feeling rejected by them? Discover how to learn from your feelings of rejection rather than feel like a victim of your children's behavior.

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"How can I learn to be strong in the face of acute rejection from my children?" wrote a woman in an email to me.

The answer to this question is not simple.

First, you need to understand that the fact that you are feeling rejected is not being caused by your children's behavior. Regardless of what your children are doing, they cannot cause you to feel rejected. Feelings of rejection come from what you are telling yourself about their behavior, rather than from their behavior itself. Feelings of rejection come from taking your children's behavior personally.

So, what are you telling yourself? Examples of what you might be telling yourself that can cause you to feel rejected are:

"My children are acting this way because they don't like me."
"My children are acting this way because I am a bad parent."
"My children are acting this way because I am a bad person."
"I must not be good enough."
"If my children loved me, they wouldn't be acting like this."

While these statements might seems true to you, the fact that your children are acting in some way that feels rejecting to you has nothing to do with you. They are acting the way they are acting because of whatever is going on with them.

For you to stop taking your children's behavior personally means that you need to stop telling yourself things that make you feel rejected. In reality, what is happening is that, by telling yourself the above statements, you are rejecting yourself.

You might want to see your children's behavior as a reflection - a mirror - for how you are treating your own inner child. What might your children be doing that is reflecting your own inner system?

If your children are criticizing you or judging you, look inside to see how you might be criticizing or judging yourself.
If your children are ignoring you, look inside to see how you might be ignoring your own feelings and needs. If your children act like you are invisible, look to see how you are making yourself invisible.
If your children are resisting you, look inside to see how you might be creating an inner power struggle, with an authoritarian wounded self making demands on you, and a resistant wounded self resisting those demands.
If you children are making demands on you, look inside at how you might not be taking care of yourself.

You are the role model for your children. They learn from how you treat them, how you treat others, and how your treat yourself. How is their behavior a reflection of how you are treating them, others, and yourself?

The part of you that feels rejected by your children is a wounded child part of you - a part that is looking to your children for validation. A loving Adult would not take your children's behavior personally, would not be looking for acceptance and validation from your children, and would be open to learning about the good reasons your children have for behaving as they are.

The next time you feel rejected by your children, do an Inner Bonding process around the feelings of rejection. What are you telling yourself that is causing this feeling? The feeling of rejection is letting you know that you are off the mark in your thinking - that you are out of alignment with the truth of who you are in your essence. Opening to learning with your Guidance and asking for the truth can bring you back into alignment. Once you feel good again, you might want to explore with your children what they are telling themselves that is causing them to act out.

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Comments

Author	Comment	Date
soluna Bradford-on-Avon uk	This is a very timely and pertinent article for me, and as ever Dr Margaret is right on the money. My 16 year old stepdaughter is ignoring me. Recently we were away on holiday whilst she stayed at her dad's. When she returned home she said the briefest "Hi" from a distance then went straight on the internet to chat with her friends for several hours. It's the same when she gets home from school every day. She won't even watch TV with us more than about once a week. She's not really in the house, even if physically present. She says more than a couple of words to me only when she wants something. I have been taking it personally because I see she's not quite the same way with her mother (who also takes her behaviour personally but who does make more of an effort to force her daughter to engage, whereas I withdraw). I have been telling myself that she doesn't love me or like me. My wounded self has been plotting all sorts of ways to get back at her one day when she finally remembers I am a person worth knowing - so many draft emotional scripts, so much wasted mental turmoil! So, realising my error even before I read the article, I have been trying to listen to my various inner selves and what they are trying to tell me, and having some success. It doesn't help that I was rejected a lot by siblings and other children when I was young - it's a powerful echo. I am absolutely clear in my head (if not my heart) that my hurt is to do with all that and not my stepdaughter's behaviour per se. But, where I get confused is here: if I am a role model for my SD, isn't it right to teach her that certain minimum levels of interaction are required to maintain close relationships, even with family? There is evidence, for example, that families that all sit down for a meal together each day (as we do) function better, and I suspect this is so even if the kids would rather eat at the computer. I think I understand why she's addicted to her friends, but does that mean we should let her withdraw from family interaction? Also, shouldn't I model that an adult with good self-esteem does not respond favourably to manipulative behaviour (e.g. when she's nice just because she wants something)?	11/02/2007 12:24 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Dear Soluna I thought of you when I read that article, so I am really glad that you saw it. What you asked at the end was very important, so I have copied it here (in quotation marks) and will add my comments. (Hint-this will be about your inner system). "But, where I get confused is here: if I am a role model for my SD," Absolutely "isn't it right to teach her that certain minimum levels of interaction are required to maintain close relationships, even with family?" Yes, but that is about maintaining close relationships with yourself, on the INNER level and when you do this she will see it. It is not about teaching her about her obligations. She has already heard that. No one is obliged to be close to anyone. You have no control over that. "There is evidence, for example, that families that all sit down for a meal together each day (as we do) function better, and I suspect this is so even if the kids would rather eat at the computer." Sure, this gives everyone a chance to interact, but if the interaction is the same old power struggle of each person trying to hand their child to the other, instead of at least some people in the intent to learn more about being loving, nothing really changes. "I think I understand why she's addicted to her friends, but does that mean we should let her withdraw from family interaction?" Yes, if your primary intent is to control her, that is what you would do. If your primary intent is to be loving to yourself and to her, you would use her rejection to learn about what you are doing in the system that has evolved between you. You have already understood that until you take care of your little boy, you are pulling on her and she is refusing to take care of you. "Also, shouldn't I model that an adult with good self-esteem does not respond favourably to manipulative behaviour (e.g. when she's nice just because she wants something)?" Your intent, again, is control. Modeling anything but taking care of yourself and responding to her with kindness and compassion is not helpful. At some point, when you are really taking care of yourself, she might (or might not) choose to be in the intent to learn with you, but right now, most likely all she feels from you is need and control and she will not open to learning. I know this is hard. Hugs Phyllis	11/02/2007 05:01 AM
soluna Bradford-on-Avon uk	Hi Phyllis Thank you so much for your reply - I am getting clearer on this, slowly. It is hard. Just a couple more points for clarification: When I said "does that mean we should let her withdraw from family interaction?", you said "Yes, if your primary intent is to control her, that is what you would do." Did the meaning get mixed up there? Did you mean to say that if our primary intent is to control then we would NOT let her withdraw? Makes more sense to me. Then you said: "Modeling anything but taking care of yourself and responding to her with kindness and compassion is not helpful." What about when your interests directly conflict with hers? For example, she wants the last bit of cash you have handy to go clothes shopping and you want it for something else which you judge to be more important. She tries to manipulate you emotionally to get the money. Either way, one of you is not going to get what they want and will probably feel controlled. I think that teaching her that she can't use other people as an ATM is ultimately a kind and compassionate thing to do, because such behaviour in the outside world is not generally considered acceptable, but she's unlikely to see it that way. To make this a lot broader, couldn't the entire system of transmission of social and cultural norms of behaviour be seen as a huge exercise in control, whatever those norms are. Even if the norm is "it is not good to try to control people" then the transmission of that norm is in itself a process of control. It seem totally inevitable - it's variously called socialisation or education or the law of the land, and I would not want to live in a lawless society (unless, perhaps, everyone was an IB expert! - but even then I suspect there would still be real conflicts). I'm not trying to wriggle out of my personal quest to become a more loving human being. I'm just confused when it comes to the area of conflict. It's not always possible for everyone to win and the arrival at a resolution almost always involves some form of control, either overt or covert. Best wishes Chris	11/03/2007 12:05 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Hello Chris Taking the loving action and setting appropriate boundaries is not about control. Control is about having a desired outcome, in this case that your stepdaughter will be happy after you set a boundary. If you do not want to give her money and you are not willing to let go of controlling how she feels about it, that is not setting a loving boundary and you will feel controlled. I agree that the entire system of social norms does teach us what is appropriate and some of it is an exercise in control, but again, you might be confused between setting good boundaries, which is being very clear on what you want and what you will do and controlling someone else. You will teach her more by setting an example of taking loving care of yourself and setting appropriate boundaries because you love your little boy and are not willing to let others abuse him than by trying to control other so that your little boy can feel safe. In terms of win-win...if both sides of a conflict are willing to go into the intent to learn within themselves and with each other about what is going on, about the good reasons that each has, that is ideal. But if not, you still have the option of doing IB to learn about what you are telling yourself and what the loving action is. Your success, however, cannot depend on how your SD acts. Maybe that is the issue you are struggling with. You know you have succeeded when your little boy feels safe and loved not matter what she does and as I said before, that will break the system that is currently between you and make it easier for her to choose other ways to be if she wants to. Hugs Phyllis	11/03/2007 07:11 AM
wolfsandfeathers Windsor Canada	Chris, when we take loving action there will be times, especially in conflict, when the other person will be upset. The challenge is to keep your center and stay connected to your intent. If your intent is to be loving to yourself then it will also be loving to the other even if they don't know it and can't see it. In your example, as long as your intent is to care for yourself in a loving way around money and your SD then she will have the potential gain of important life skills around money. There is a really good chance that she will not be able to see that now because her greatest desire is to get the money. However, in the future she may very well be thankful for this. Which brings up the point that you can't be invested in her future but just trust that you taking care of yourself will be the greatest gift you will ever give her. This is one of the greatest challenges for parents, especially for those who are in relationship with children that are not their own biologically. Staying connected and checking your intent in ever interaction is what will help you parent her from a place of love and the desire to be in your highest good. I can assure you that this feels beautiful regardless of the response from another.	11/04/2007 02:19 AM
soluna Bradford-on-Avon uk	Thank you, Phyllis, for patiently and consistently bringing me back to looking at my inner system. Thank you, Wolfsandfeathers, for your understanding and reassurance. The distinction between controlling and setting loving boundaries has looked a little fuzzy up till now, but it's becoming clearer. I guess I have to accept that, to anyone other than me, any loving boundary I set could well appear to be controlling, but I can't control how others see it! I've always been very attached to the self-image of being a scrupulously fair person. Now I see that sometimes I have strived too much to be seen as fair (so that I am worthy of love from myself and others) and that has led me to try to control how others perceive me, sometimes giving myself away in the process. Slowly I am gaining more insights ... Best wishes Chris	11/04/2007 08:04 AM
Phyllis St. Louis Missouri	Good work Chris!	11/04/2007 01:30 PM
essenceofhealing Edinburgh Illinois uk	Hi Chris, I have just posted a suggestion on the UK group's discussion board. Keep up the good work! Kind regards, Anna	11/05/2007 01:32 AM
TenderSpirit Lakewood Washington United States	I find this article to be very encouraging to me. As I flip the coin to the positive side of parenting. I am able to receive the same message about allowing my child to live her life's journey, letting go of control, jet still being a role model for her in a positive way. I agree that the child can role model how a parent is engaged. Since learning to take responsibility for my own feelings, tuning into my Inner Beings, Letting go of control. My daughter and I have continue to build a very deep respectful relationship with each other that includes open communication, knowing we are each heard by each other, long conversation when she needs some clarity or support or some kind of loving action from me. I really enjoy being able to ask her to share with me her Thought Process when I feel a sense of concern about any given situation, which them allows me to ask her if she is open to suggestions or little bit of guidance that she could not see. Most of all being on the positive side of this coin as a parent is the peace, joy warmth, love, and respect we feel in the home as well as with each other. I like this because it sure has a way of eliminating the tension, power struggles, harsh comments, negative frequency in the home and toward each other. Yes, it is a conscious choice, a mindful awareness, a willingness to offer the child opportunities to fall, brush themselves off, and try again while know the parent is readily available to love and support them when they come seeking love, guidance, ideas, suggestions, support, attention. More then anything for me is that constant connection with my Spirit Guide that give me inner peace, and inner comfort, and insights through spirit and a sense of how things are going for a child through the level of frequency. Courtney often asks me Mom, How do you know this? it is s spiritual connection and spiritual awareness and open eyes to observe and feel the frequency connection with her. Be Blessed Always, TenderSpirit	07/23/2008 09:17 AM

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