Choosing to be a Loving AdultBy Dr. Margaret Paul
January 14, 2020
Kevin shares his inner battle that led to him to choose to be a loving adult.
Some years back, I had the moving experience of working with Kevin (not his real name), a thirty-seven year old very talented branding artist we had hired to work on our website. From the moment I met Kevin, I knew he was a person I wanted to hire and work with. His demeanor was open, honest, caring and attentive. I had seen some of his work before speaking with him, and I was blown away by his creativity.
One evening, as we were having dinner, after working together for four solid days, I asked him how he had met his girlfriend. I had spent some time with Lila and Kevin and I was impressed with how loving they were with each other. They had been together for three and a half years.
Kevin shared his story…
“Well,’ said Kevin. “I wish I had met you six years ago. At that time I had fallen head over heels in love with a woman, and after three months she dumped me. I was devastated. I realized I needed help, so I started reading self-help books and worked with a therapist. At the time, I didn’t understand the terms you use in Inner Bonding, but what was happening was that I had no loving adult at all. I had abandoned my inner child and given him to the woman, so when she dumped me, I felt alone and abandoned. I did some really good inner work at that time, and a year later, met another woman. I wasn’t in love with her but I liked her a lot.
“One night, again, three months after we met, I was lying in bed with the flu when she came over, sat on the edge of my bed, and started to cry. ‘I’ve met someone else,’ she said, ‘and I’m so afraid of hurting you.’”
“That night was a turning point in my life….
“I lay there in bed with a huge battle going on inside. Half of me was saying, ‘She can’t do this to me. How dare she! I need to be very angry and punish her so that she feels even worse than she feels right now.’ The other half of me was saying, ‘It’s okay. I care about her and I want her to be happy. She doesn’t need to be afraid of hurting me – I will be fine.’
“These two parts – my wounded self and my loving adult – battled with each other. They kept going back and forth, back and forth - 49%-51%, then 51%-49%. Finally, my loving adult won out and I said to her, “Honey, it’s okay. You don’t need to be afraid. I care about you and I want you to be happy. I’m your friend, and you have the freedom to pursue whatever you feel is right for you. You can even call me for help whenever you want.
“Rather than feeling like a devastated wimp, I felt on top of the world…
“I felt so empowered! I had never experienced how empowering it is to be loving to others. It’s what has enabled me to have a strong spiritual connection and fully access my creativity. Soon after that, I met Lila and we have been together ever since.”
“Kevin, thank you for sharing this with me. This is what I saw in you from the moment I met you – your power, your connection, your creativity and your caring. Now I understand why you had such an immediate grasp of Inner Bonding.”
I’m certain that we have all experienced that internal battle in the face of challenges. I found it very inspiring to hear about Kevin’s inner battle and how he chose to be a loving adult.
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Today notice, WITHOUT JUDGMENT, if you are primarily a taker - expecting others to take care of you, or if you are primarily a caretaker - taking care of others in the hopes they will love you and connect to you. Since neither taking nor care-taking are loving to yourself, both are aspects of the ego wounded self and are symptoms of self-abandonment.
By Dr. Margaret Paul