No matter how difficult and painful it may be, nothing sounds as good to the soul as the truth. --Martha Beck, Leaving the Saints

How did we come to believe that it’s better not to tell the truth – that the truth hurts too much and that people can’t handle it?

Granted, the truth can be very painful. But not nearly as painful as finding out the truth too late to deal with it or finding out that you were lied to.

Truth is Essential for Trusting Yourself

One of my clients, Rebecca, always felt that she somehow didn’t belong in her family. When she was 19 years old, her mother finally told her she was adopted. 

“I felt so many feelings at once that I was overwhelmed. I was enraged at not being told and believing all these years that there was something weird about me because I wasn’t like anyone in my family. I asked my mother when I was eight years old if I was adopted and she denied it. I felt betrayed that I was lied to, and I felt relief at finally knowing a truth that I had felt in my soul. I felt scared about what all this meant, and I felt so angry that my inner truth had been denied and discounted, which has led to a lack of trust in myself. I felt excited about the prospect of finding my birth parents. I can’t tell you how much I wish I had been told the truth from the time I was little.”

Matt had always had a very hard time with his father. He couldn’t relate to him, and always felt that he was being treated differently than his younger siblings. Matt was 25 when his father died and his mother finally told him that his father was not his biological father – that she had met his step-father 16 months after Matt was born.

“Hearing the truth put so many pieces of the puzzle into place for me. My mother said she didn’t tell me because my father didn’t want her to, and because she didn’t want me to feel different than the other children. But not being told caused so much confusion for me. I would have given anything to have known the truth all along.”

My experience with not being told the truth was one of the most painful experiences in my life.

My angry, narcissistic mother and I always had a difficult relationship. Nevertheless, my parents assured me that I, as their only child, was the primary beneficiary in their will. While they were not wealthy, they had worked hard and were well off, so there were substantial funds to be distributed.

My mother had always been angry at me for being me, but I thought in her later years she had mellowed. Unbeknownst to me, she continued to be angry, and as a final angry act, she significantly disinherited me, leaving almost all the money to my children without telling me. To the end, she misrepresented that all was fine.

I found out about all of this only after she died. I was devastated - not by the fact that she gave the money to my children, as she had every right to give it to whomever she wanted, and I was glad for them - but that she lied to me. She knew that I hadn’t worried much about my retirement, because she led me to believe I would receive her money for my retirement. At 65 years old, I had to start addressing an important part of my financial life, that I had believed was taken care of.

Even as I write this, I still feel the heartbreak and grief of being lied to. The truth would have been so much better.

Learn to lovingly manage heartbreak and grief. Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."