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It Doesn't Take Any Energy To Hold Hands

By Michael Barmak
September 22, 2009

Have you ever wondered if there was something simple that you could do to strengthen your connection with your partner? It doesn't take any energy to hold hands! It doesn't get any easier than this!

Come on.  I know you know how to do this.  You just have to make the effort.  Maybe that's the hardest part.  Getting through your resistance.  After all, you have a hand.  Your partner has a hand.  All you have to do is send the message from your head to your hand.  This isn't something you have to train for.  I mean, it's not like you're getting in shape for the 'clean and jerk' weightlifting competition at the Olympics (even if you think they named the competition after your partner!).

Just move your hand a little closer to your partner's hand.  Now open up your hand real wide and meet your partner's hand palm to palm.  Maybe it's the 'meet' part you're having difficulty with?  Do you feel that your partner should meet you half-way?  Are you tired of being the one who is always affectionate?  Are you waiting for your partner to initiate?

Why wait?  It doesn't take any energy to hold hands!

Oh, now I get it.  You don't want to lose face.  You're in a power struggle.  You think that you'll be seen as weak if you take the first step.  So it's a standoff.  Let me guess what else you may be thinking:

  1. "But it's so hard!!!!!!!" - Get a grip!  Post Traumatic Stress is hard.  Let's get some perspective here.  Life is hard.  Agreed.  Now that everybody agrees let's move on.
  2. "Why do I need to hold hands?  My partner knows I love her.  She knows how I feel about her.  I don't tell her all the time so why should I show her all the time?" - Words need to be backed up with action.  Love isn't a noun, it's a verb!
  3. "If I give in on this one then she's  going to expect more from me.  She might even want sex more often!  She is so demanding!!!" - Sounds to me like you are a VERY LUCKY PERSON!!!  And if you still don't think so I know a lot of single people who would love to get your partner's phone number!
  4. "How can I hold hands when I'm angry at him?" - Exactly my point.  You can't.  Wouldn't you rather hold hands than waste your precious minutes being mad?
  5. "His hand is too sweaty." - Dip your hand in water first and you won't even notice!
  6. "She doesn't have a strong grip.  I get more from a dead fish." - True but she smells nicer!
  7. "He squeezes my hand too hard." - I don't hear you complaining when you need him to open those hard to remove lids.
  8. "She's got cold hands." - Saves on air conditioning costs in the summer.  Also keeps your drink cool.  Think of her as your walking refrigerator.
  9. "I'm afraid I'll reach for the wrong hand." (i.e. your right hand to his right hand rather than opposite hand).  Now it looks like I'm getting ready to 'al amand left' in square dancing." - I'm only seeing positive here.  After all, I met my wife swing dancing! 

For those of you who are still non-believers, let's look at the advantages of holding hands:

  1. It doesn't cost anything
  2. It is extremely energy efficient.  You get great MPG(minutes per grasp):  limitless.
  3. Maybe your partner will surprise you later by sliding her hand around your arm
  4. You can progress to different moves including arm swinging, bicep curls and triceps extensions.
  5. Synchronized walking is easier.
  6. It doesn't take any planning.  You can hold hands anywhere and anytime.
  7. It doesn't mean you agree or disagree or that you've given in or given up.  It just means you're giving.
  8. You can thumb wrestle at the same time.
  9. You might be able to get into the movie theater for a single admission if you plead Siamese twins joined at the thumbs!
  10. You can do this with either hand!
  11. You don't have to look at your partner at the same time, i.e. you can continue watching television, talking on the pone, etc.
  12. You can text with your other hand at the same time.
  13. There's nothing you have to say.  Holding hands communicates everything.

It  doesn't take any energy to hold hands.  What is required is a desire to share love with your partner.  To connect with your partner.  To be on the same team. 

If you're frustrated with your relationships, wondering how to deepen your bond with your partner or just looking for a new adventure, consider making the first move.  Reach over and make contact with your partner.  You might be surprised what happens next.

Now that's loving. 


Michael Barmak is a Certified Inner Bonding Facilitator in private practice. He works with individuals and couples in person and on the phone. Michael can be reached at 908-276-8191 or through his website,


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