Loving Yourself Heals An Addiction To AngerBy Dr. Margaret Paul
March 26, 2018
Anger at others is often a manifestation of a lack of self-care. Is your inner child angry at you for your lack of self-care and then projecting this onto others?
Think for a moment about the last time you got angry with someone. At that moment, what was most important to you - getting what you wanted or being caring?
Obviously, at the moment that you get really angry at someone, it is more important to you to get what you want than it is to be caring. Why is this? What is happening on the inner level that leads you to be more interested in what you get from the other person than in being a caring person?
Jake’s Anger Problem
One of my clients, Jake, has an anger problem. Jake is a good guy who enjoys doing things for other people. The problem is that he rarely checks inside to see whether or not he really wants to be doing whatever he is doing for someone. Jakes tends to ignore his own feelings and needs. He doesn't speak up for himself with his wife Karen, saying yes when he means yes or no when he means no. Instead, he stuffs his feelings and goes along with things that he really doesn't want to do. But underneath his giving himself up, Jake has expectations of Karen. He tells himself that because he is doing so much for her and so much of what he thinks she wants him to do, she should respond in a particular way - such as being very appreciative, affectionate, or turned on to him. When Karen doesn't give Jake the attention he is expecting and wanting, he explodes at her.
What is really going on here? What is going on is that Jake is not giving himself the attention that he needs. He is ignoring his own feelings and needs and instead doing what he thinks Karen wants him to do. And because he is not aware of his own feelings, he is not aware that his inner child is angry with him for not taking care of him. He then projects his anger onto Karen, making her responsible for his feelings of abandonment.
Jessica is a tiny woman with big energy and a back problem. Jessica has been told by her doctor not to lift heavy things. But instead of asking her husband or adolescent sons to lift heavy things for her, such as the heavy trash bags from her gardening work, she lifts them herself. She then gets furious at her husband and sons for not noticing that she needed help, and for not being concerned about her when she comes in the house in pain from her gardening work.
Jessica is not caring about herself, and is then projecting her own lack of self-care onto her family. When asked why she continues to do things that are hurting her, she states, "They have to be done and no one else will do them." Jessica makes taking care of the house more important than taking care of her body, and then gets angry with her family when she perceives them as not caring about her.
Anger As A Projection Of Self-Abandonment
Blaming and directing anger at others is generally a projection of ways you might be abandoning yourself. If you find yourself getting angry with others for their lack of attention or caring about you, you might want to look inside and see how you might not be attending to and caring about yourself. Others' behavior is often a mirror of how we are treating ourselves, so if you feel uncared about by others, this may be reflecting your own lack of self-care.
You will find that the more you practice Inner Bonding and take loving care of yourself - staying tuned inside to your own feelings, staying connected with the love and wisdom of your guidance, and taking loving action on your own behalf - the less you will be angry with others.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
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Photo by James Jester
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By Dr. Margaret Paul