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On Managing Deep Pain

By sylviap
October 09, 2018

The power of loving our inner self and practicing Inner Bonding to manage and move through deeply painful feelings.

The other day my good friend was surprised when I told her that sometimes I get, “I want to die” low. And her surprise, surprised me. I thought well, yes, I have experienced deep pain and learned to move through it, which is why I want to help others.

I can’t imagine being a counselor and not knowing the depths of despair that we as humans in this disconnected society can reach. And yet because I feel so much more grounded and connected with Inner Bonding, I understood her surprise.

As a young adult, I had intense suicidal ideations but stayed alive because through my Catholic faith,.I believed that to commit suicide would send me to hell. This kept me in check, but I did try many passive approaches that would look like an accident, generally being reckless with myself as I felt deeply worthless and defective.

Thankfully, when I was introduced to Inner Bonding in college, I learned to love myself by connecting to my inner child, remembering my innate innocence, sweet intention, and pure essence. It took awhile and I needed to have love modeled for me by my IB mentors and friends before I could do the same for myself. But soon a shift happened in me, where I learned to see thoughts of suicide as my wounded self/trauma brain wanting to kill my little girl (inner child). The more I learned to truly love and care for my sweet soul, the more unacceptable that thought became. And as I have deepened my self love and self attachment over the years, now there is a well of inner connection and safety that I return to more easily.

Another crucial piece in helping me not fall so deep into suicidal depression was addressing sugar in my diet. I tell all of my clients that are struggling with depression, to explore their relationships to sugar, refined foods and alcohol and recommend a book called “Potatoes not Prozac" by DesMaisons. In grad school, after a five minute consult with a psychiatrist, he prescribed me antidepressants. That was fishy to me and I already had the tools of Inner Bonding, so I followed the advice in the book and used a couple natural supplements and my deep lows shifted. (Not medical advice, just my personal experience)  Thankfully, Margaret does an excellent job in her new book "Diet for Divine Connection," going into much more detail about how physical health impacts our emotional/spiritual health.

Since then, almost every time that I have experienced a deep low there is usually some sugar or hormone related connection. For instance, I recently learned that I can’t eat white rice as it reacts in my body just like sugar with the same lows that occur for me afterward. There are also my sensitive hormonal days related to menstruation, where as a sensitive person already, all of my emotions are heightened. I can say volumes on this; why it is a sacred time and we are meant to heed the ways we can tune into ourselves more easily, but the bottom line is, we are extra vulnerable on those days. By tuning into myself and my guidance, I have learned to take extra good care of myself at those times and to be extra gentle. For this reason, I encourage all of the women I work with to track their cycles as part of their self care.

And yet it can still be messy. I had a night of deep grief a couple weeks ago where because of something one of my children said, I was triggered into the old, dark pain of feeling unlovable, worthless, rejected, as I did growing up. I let myself cry and cry, grieved the sad reality and possibility that I may be rejected. And yet I knew, thanks to IB, that I would be here for my little girl no matter what. That with IB I have learned to feel and manage deep pain.

I have learned to be the one I can trust for unconditional love and presence, no matter what others do. Now there is a solidity in me that knows that no matter how hard things get, I have practiced for many years what it looks like to get help when needed, and to help myself by tuning in and taking loving action (practicing Inner Bonding).

I also know personally and professionally, what the aftermath of suicide looks like and how it brings so much pain to all who are left behind. No one wins. So even in a dark and despairing moment, the pain I know I would cause to those I love grounds me.

Anyone who wants to end their life is in deep pain and deserves immense compassion and support. In addition to bringing more compassion and connection to each other, if we can learn to be this for ourselves, we will learn to manage the inevitable pain of life and trauma triggers, rather than be ruled by them.  I pray that more will learn Inner Bonding and learn how to access the love, connection and balance that is our birthright.


Sylvia Poareo, MSW is grateful to have been practicing and teaching Inner Bonding for over 20years. Visit for more information, including her upcoming Southern California Inner Bonding workshop in October!


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