Self-judgment seems to be an almost universal form of self-abandonment. I've never worked with a client who didn't judge himself or herself. As children, most of us were judged by parents, siblings, peers, teachers and/or religious leaders, and we learned to absorb these judgments into our ego wounded selves.

Most of the time with the clients I see, they are not aware of the connection between their self-judgment and their anxiety, depression, guilt, shame or anger. This is one of the things we discover when we practice Inner Bonding – what we are telling ourselves that is causing these wounded feelings.

However, many people, even when they realize how badly their self-judgments are making them feel, still continue to judge themselves. Why?

Here are two of the most common reasons I hear for judging oneself:

• If I judge myself first, I can beat others to the punch, effectively having control over not being judged by others.
   
• Judging myself is a good way to have control over getting myself to do what I have to do, or getting myself to work harder and do things well – so that others will approve of me.

The common element here is "control," and the control has a number of layers. Underneath both of these reasons is the desire to control how others feel about you, because you have handed to others the job of defining your worth. If others judge you and don't approve of you, then you are not okay – says your wounded self.

So until you take on the responsibility of defining your own worth through connection with your spiritual guidance, you are dependent upon others to define your worth, and you then want control over how they feel about you. You judge yourself, believing it will give you this control.

And there is an even deeper layer of control…

Even if you are defining your own worth and are not making others' approval responsible for your sense of worth, others’ disapproval or rejection still hurts on the core level – the level of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak and helplessness over others' unloving behavior.

It is this issue that is often the bottom line of why we judge ourselves. We hope not only to control others, but to control our own painful feelings of life. When you judge yourself, you are the one causing your feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and anger. You are the one in control, causing your painful wounded feelings.

Many people prefer to feel anxiety, depression, guilt, shame or anger, rather than feel the deeper painful feelings of life – the loneliness, heartache, heartbreak, grief, and helplessness that occurs when we experience others' unloving behavior, or as a result of difficult life events.

Beyond Self-Judgment

If you understand this, then you will see that you need to accomplish two things in your Inner Bonding practice to move beyond self-judgment.

• You need to define your own intrinsic worth, which leads to letting go of trying to control others to make you okay; developing self-compassion for your own feelings and needs, and taking loving action on your own behalf.
   
• You need to learn to name, acknowledge, embrace with compassion, learn from and release your deeper painful feelings resulting from life. Once you know how to do this, you no longer need to avoid these feelings with self-judgments and other forms of self-abandonment.

Freedom from self-judgment is the natural outcome of doing this inner work.

All of this starts with Step One of Inner Bonding – staying present for your feelings, and wanting to take responsibility for them. Each time you do an Inner Bonding process when you feel anything less than inner peace, you move closer and closer to the emotional freedom that comes from defining your intrinsic worth and learning to lovingly manage your deeper painful feelings.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

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