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Is Your Ego Wounded Self in Charge of Your Money?

By Dr. Margaret Paul
September 04, 2023



Is your authoritarian or permissive wounded self in charge of your money? Things go much better when your loving adult is in charge!



  • Addiction to spendingAre you in major credit card debt and paying high interest on your debt?
     
  • Are your bills greater than your income?
     
  • Do you use spending as an addictive way to self-soothe?
     
  • Are you growing older with little or no retirement set aside?
     
  • Do you wonder where all your money goes, but have no way of finding out since you don't keep track?
     
  • Do you have lots of investments and plenty of income but are still anxious about money?
     
  • Do you try to control your partner regarding money, even when there is plenty of money?
     
  • Do you deprive yourself of vacations or other things you want, even when there is enough money?
     
  • Is your identity or sense of worth attached to how much money you have?

Unless you were given the opportunity to learn to manage your money as a child or had parents who role-modeled good money management, there is a good possibility that your wounded self is in charge of your money. And the wounded self generally does not know how to manage money in a way that is loving to yourself.
 

If money management causes a problem in your life, it may mean that your loving adult needs to learn how to manage it.

Lester is an interesting example of a man who manages his money from both his wounded self and his loving adult. Lester comes from an affluent family. Throughout his childhood, most of the talk was of making money. Both of his parents were highly successful in their own businesses, and they expected Lester to do the same. Lester did not disappoint them.

At 41, Lester started his third business, having sold his other two for large profits. He has enough money invested to never have to work again. Yet Lester is not a happy man. He is always anxious about money. The fights between him and his wife are mostly about money.

Lester consulted with me because of these fights. I worked with both him and his wife with Inner Bonding, Yet Lester refuses to put his loving adult in charge when it comes to his feelings about money. His loving adult is in charge when it comes to making the money and investing it, but not in how he feels about it. To Lester, money is more important than kindness. His authoritarian wounded self wants to control it at all costs, even at the cost of his family.
 

Cassie has the opposite issue from Lester.

Where Lester is frightened and tight with money, Cassie loves to help people with it. The problem is that she helps people so much that she forgets about herself and ends up putting herself in financial jeopardy. While it is wonderful that she is so generous, her loving adult needs to assess each situation and determine if she can actually afford to help someone. Instead, her permissive wounded self acts out impulsively, giving away money without thinking of the consequences.

Sam is a 56-year-old salesman who never grew up. He would rather watch sports on TV, ride his motorcycle, and play on his computer than work. Yet he can't sleep at night due to his anxiety about money. He could easily make an adequate income with some effort, but he keeps himself in survival mode with a huge credit card debt. His fear of failure is so great that he refuses to put forth much effort. His wounded self is totally in charge.

If Sam put his loving adult in charge, he would tell himself that it is okay to fail - that it is better to fail than not try at all. He would make sure he earns enough money to pay off his credit card debt so he can sleep at night.

When our loving adult is in charge of our money, we make decisions based on our highest good, rather than from the fears of the authoritarian wounded self, or from the impulsiveness of the permissive wounded self.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."



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