Derek asked me in IBVillage:

"I might be doing well, but then a perceived rejection from my spouse makes me withdraw from her and everyone else. It gets to the point that I feel suicidal. I know that I need to do the Inner Bonding steps but I feel so heavy that I cannot be an adult to my child. What can I do to take ownership of my emotions?"

The very first thing you need to do is tune into the deeper core pain that your withdrawal is avoiding. What do you feel in your heart when you perceive that your spouse is rejecting you? When someone I'm close to is rejecting towards me, I feel a deep loneliness and heartache. Of course, having learned not take it personally is very helpful, but still I experience the heartache, as well as the very difficult feeling of helplessness over the other person.

So, the first thing you need to do is recognize the core painful feelings of loneliness, heartache, and helplessness over your spouse. Next, you need to embrace these feelings with the utmost compassion – kindness, caring, understanding, gentleness and tenderness. The little child in you who is feeling these painful feelings cannot manage them alone – and your child feels very alone when you withdraw. This is where the suicidal feelings come from – from the despair that results from abandoning yourself when core pain is triggered.

Stay with the core pain with deep compassion toward yourself until you feel a bit of lightening up. You may need to cry and cry until you begin to feel the release of pain. Once you feel some relief, then you consciously decide that you are ready to release the core pain and replace it with acceptance and peace. You can say to your guidance, "Please take this pain from me and replace it with acceptance and peace." You might even be able to feel the feelings moving through you and completely releasing.

Inner Bonding After The Release

Once the core pain is released, then you will likely be able to do an Inner Bonding process. You will no longer feel so heavy, so you will be able to be a loving adult and go through the steps of Inner Bonding to discover if you took anything personally, and if you did, why. Are you trying to control your spouse by taking it personally, thinking it is your fault and that if you change then you will be loved? Are you judging or shaming yourself as a form of control? Is there some way you are not speaking up for yourself in the moment with your spouse? Would it have been helpful to have moved into an intent to learn with her, rather than pull away?  Lovingly disengaging and managing the core pain may be the most loving action for you, but you might also benefit from going back and exploring the situation with her, letting her know that her behavior hurt your heart, and find out what was going on for her, with an intent to learn.  

By doing your Inner Bonding process after the core pain is released, you can learn much regarding what is loving to you when your spouse is rejecting you – or when you perceive she is rejecting you. Each time you go through this experience, you will continue to learn more and more about what is loving to you in this situation.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay