"I Fall Too Hard In Love"By Dr. Margaret Paul
May 06, 2013
Do you find yourself falling hard in love and getting hurt over and over? Discover why.
Do you find yourself falling hard in love with someone and then ending up feeling rejected and not good enough when it ends? This is the problem that Sabrina is having:
"Why do I fall so hard for men? How can I get over this without pain and the feelings of dreadful rejections and feeling less than?"
Sabrina, imagine that you have an actual little girl whom you pay little attention to. Along comes a man and you hand your little girl over to this man for him to love her. While he is loving her, she might feel a little okay (although she will feel rejected by you since you are abandoning her). Since she doesn't get love and attention from you, she attaches hard to this man, believing that she is in love with him. But after a while he becomes tired of taking care of her and leaves.
Now she is doubly devastated. You originally rejected her and now he has rejected her. How can she possibly feel good about herself? Of course she feels less than.
The same thing happens on the inner level. The part of you who falls hard in love is an abandoned inner child – your feeling self – whom you are constantly rejecting. Even your question indicates rejection – you want to 'get over this without pain.'
It is not possible to get over this without pain until you decide that you want responsibility for learning to love yourself. That little girl in you needs love, and if you are not going to give it to her, then she will fall hard 'in love' for someone who will give it to her – at least temporarily. How can you not be in pain and feel rejected and worthless when you continue to abandon yourself by making a man responsible for your feelings of worth and safety?
Until you decide to learn to love yourself rather than continue to reject yourself, you will continue to fall hard and continue to suffer the pain of rejection and unworthiness.
So, of course, what I recommend is what I always recommend – learn and practice Inner Bonding! The six-step roadmap of Inner Bonding is the process for learning to love and value yourself and create your own inner safety.
If You Loved Yourself…
If you loved yourself, then you not want to abandon yourself to a man, nor would you believe you are 'in love' when you fall hard and attach. You would be taking responsibility for your own feelings of worth and safety, so you wouldn't need him to do it. You would find yourself wanting to share love with a man rather than always trying to get love. When you are filled with love and want to share it, you do not fall hard in love the way you do now. "Falling hard" is what the ego/wounded self does when she thinks she has found someone to love her.
When you learn to love yourself, you will attract a different kind of man – a man who also wants to share love with you. Right now, because you are abandoning yourself, you attract men who also abandon themselves. They will 'love' you with an agenda attached, which is that you give them the love they are not giving to themselves. They are just as needy as you, and two needy people create a codependent relationship that often eventually becomes dissatisfying. When you don't fulfill his expectations to make him feel loved, safe and worthy, he may drop you and move on to find someone else to meet his needs. That's when you feel hurt, abandoned and rejected.
I suggest you learn to put your whole focus on defining your own worth, and learn to bring love from Spirit to your linner child. When she feels very loved by you, you will stop falling hard in love and then getting hurt.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
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Today, notice which you focus on more - what brings you joy or what causes fear. Notice that it is often your own thoughts and actions that create either joy or fear. Becoming aware of which you are choosing in any given moment gives you the power to changes your thoughts and actions and take responsibility for your feelings.
By Dr. Margaret Paul