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The Lies We Tell Ourselves

By Dr. Margaret Paul
June 27, 2016

Our emotions are an accurate indication of when we are in truth and when we are lying to ourselves.

Believe it or not, one of the great gifts we were born with is our emotions. Our emotions infallibly let us know when we are operating from the truth and when we are telling ourselves lies. When we are in truth, we feel clear, connected, happy, peaceful, powerful and joyful. When we are lying to ourselves – operating from our false beliefs - we feel anxious, tense, depressed, scared, powerless, angry, empty, hopeless, alone and abandoned.

Therefore, it's very important to discover the lies we tell ourselves that are causing much of our pain.

Truth comes from our higher self, while the lies come from our own mind. Our ego mind is a master at creating lies, often based on our core wounds.

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm intrinsically flawed."

"If he doesn't like me, there must be something wrong with me."

"If she rejects me, it must be my fault."

"If I grow and move into my power, I will end up alone."

"My goodness is defined by others seeing me as caring."

"My worth is defined by others paying attention to me and seeing me as special."

"If I am very loving and giving, I can control how others feel about me."

"Telling others my feelings is a way to take care of myself."

"If I'm kind to others, I can get them to be kind to me."

"If I love someone enough, they will eventually love me back. I can control getting love."

"I have to be perfect. If I'm perfect, then I can have control over how others feel about me."

"Others cause me to feel happy or sad. Others are responsible for my feelings."

"Resistance will protect me from being controlled."

"If I tell the truth, I will end up alone."

"Resisting control is a good way to maintain my integrity."

"I can't be myself and be safe."

"If I make enough money, I will feel happy and secure."

"If I worry and ruminate enough, I can control the outcome of things."

"Anger works to get me what I want."

"If I look good, people will like me."

"I don't deserve for God to love me and be here for me."

"I have to earn love."

"I can't love myself as well as someone else can."

The wounded self - our ego mind - has hundreds of beliefs about ourselves, about control, about others, and about Spirit that cause us much pain.

Step Three of Inner Bonding is about exploring the lies we tell ourselves, and the ways we treat ourselves, that cause our pain. This can be a fascinating process of self-discovery - a process of unraveling the complex illusions of the ego wounded self. Each time you do your inner exploration in response to a painful feeling, you can discover another lie that has limited you and caused you pain.

As I stated above, truth comes from our higher Guidance. That's why Step Four of Inner Bonding involves going to your higher self to learn the truth about these false beliefs, and to find the loving action you need to take on your own behalf. You cannot discover the truth within your own mind. You need to learn to open to your Guidance, or to your own higher self, or to whatever you are comfortable with going to, outside of your own programmed mind. We cannot "figure out" the truth. We must open to it and allow it in, which is what happens when we move into a sincere intent to learn with our spiritual Guidance about truth and loving action.

One of the lies of the wounded self is that we are bad or wrong or somehow inadequate for even having a wounded self! The wounded self wants to stay hidden. It doesn't want to be unmasked, and it will go to great lengths to defend itself, denying its existence and judging itself to avoid being seen.

The joy of growth and healing happens when we acknowledge and embrace our wounded self with compassion and a deep intent to learn about its lies. These lies are limiting us and causing our pain.

I encourage you to build the practice of Inner Bonding into your daily life. Set aside time each morning and evening to practice the Six Steps. Practice staying open to your feelings throughout the day, and then do an Inner Bonding process whenever you feel anything other than peace and fullness within. Each time you discover another lie and move into the truth, you will feel lighter, freer and more personally powerful. The truth really does set us free!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

Join IBVillage and receive compassionate help and support for your healing journey.


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