Resistance: Wanting Freedom but Staying StuckBy Dr. Margaret Paul
August 30, 2021
Are you resistant to loving yourself? Are you winning the battle but losing the war - and losing yourself?
When Cecily was seven years old and her mother was beating her, she made a deep and profound decision: "I will not let her win. I will go inside and disconnect from myself so that she can't hurt me. She can beat me all she wants but I will never show any emotion."
Today, Cecily is forty-five years old and has spent her life disconnected from herself, operating from the false belief that this is the only way to not be controlled by anyone. She’s miserable.
When Cameron was six years old and his father was beating him, he made the same decision: "I will not feel. I will not be present in my body, and then he cannot control me. I will win!" Cameron is in his early 50's. He’s miserable.
Did you make a similar decision? Are you trapped in your life and stuck in resistance?
What are the limiting beliefs you may be operating from that keep you trapped and stuck in your resistance?
Resisting control is essential to my integrity and individuality.
This was true when you were a child; however, as an adult, integrity and individuality come from making your own decisions based on what is best for you, rather than basing your decisions on avoiding being controlled. When you make your own decisions regarding what is best for you, regardless of whether or not someone thinks he or she is controlling you, you are coming from your personal power rather than being controlled by resisting what another wants from you or wants you do to.
Resisting control establishes my independence.
Independence lies in making your own choices, independent of whether or not another is trying to control you. Independence is about operating as a loving adult, supporting what is in your highest good.
My only choices when another person is attempting to control me are to comply or to resist.
These are the only choices for your wounded self, but your loving adult has the choice to open to your higher guidance about what is loving to you. When your loving adult is in charge, rather than your wounded self, your actions are coming from your desire to be loving to yourself and others, rather than to protect against being controlled.
I am really being my own person when I resist.
When you resist, you may not realize that you are being controlled by your resistance. All another person has to do to have control over you is to demand something from you and you will automatically resist. Once others realize this, they can ask for the opposite of what they want and have control over you. Thus, when you are resisting, you are, paradoxically, being controlled. Your behavior is determined by your reaction to others rather than by your own needs and desires. When your goal is to resist being controlled, you must resist, which means you no longer have free choice. You are being your own person only when you decide that loving yourself and others is more important to you than resisting being controlled.
It's the controlling person's fault that I resist.
Your wounded self may blame the other person: "If you weren't so controlling, I wouldn't have to resist." Your choice to resist is your choice, coming from the fears and beliefs of your wounded self, and has nothing to do with another trying to control you. You always have the option of opening to learning about what is loving to yourself and the other and of setting a loving limit instead of resisting.
I can avoid being controlled by resisting.
The problem is, you are being controlled when you resist, because you are reacting to another rather than being proactive and making up your own mind about what is best for you.
If I didn't resist, I would be swallowed up.
This may have been true as a child, but as an adult you can learn to set loving boundaries rather than resist.
When you practice Inner Bonding and develop your loving adult, then you are free to neither comply nor resist; you are free to do whatever is in your highest good.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
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The path of love is not the easy path - it is the road less traveled. It requires letting go of power and control over others and outcomes. It requires strict adherence to truth, to living and speaking the radical truth. Today, be truthful with yourself about what path you are on - the path of fear, control and avoidance of pain, or the path of courage, truth and love.
By Dr. Margaret Paul