Fear of RejectionBy Dr. Margaret Paul
December 31, 2006
Do you isolate yourself out of a fear of rejection? Discover how to heal the fear of rejection.
"I'm really lonely," Sabrina told me in one of our phone sessions, "yet I continue to isolate. I don't reach out to people and I don't go places where I could meet people because I'm so afraid of rejection."
I hear this statement over and over from my clients, both married and single. What causes this fear and why is it so common?
The answer to this question lies in understanding who you think you are - whether you think you are your wounded self or your core self - your true soul essence.
The wounded self in all of us is inadequate, controlling, and insecure. This is our false self, our ego, the part of us we constructed to attempt to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. This part of us protects with both overt and covert methods of control - anger, blame, compliance, resistance, withdrawal, people-pleasing, and so on. This part of us is seldom endearing!
If we think we are our wounded self, then, of course, we fear rejection...
How could we not? We know that this aspect of us may be empty, needy, boring, manipulative - anything but lovable. We may not like this part of ourselves, so how can we expect others to?
Imagine, however, that you know who you really are. Imagine you know you are your beautiful essence, your individual expression of the Divine - loving, compassionate, creative, wise, joyful, peaceful, and endowed with your individual gifts and talents. Imagine that you can see yourself through the eyes of love, the eyes of your spiritual guidance.
When you really know that you are your beautiful and perfect soul essence, then you know that you are inherently lovable and worthy. You know that you have much love to offer others, and that there is no inherent reason others would not like you. When you are operating from your loving adult knowing who you are, you do not take rejection personally. You know that if others reject you, it is either because they are in their wounded selves and are taking it out on you, or you are operating as your wounded self. You know that if you are expressing yourself as your lovable essence, the only reason someone would reject you is because of his or her own issues of fear and insecurity. The loving adult does not reject - either oneself or others.
The loving adult knows that we do not have any control over how others feel about us.
When we love ourselves and truly value our essence, how others feel about us is not a big issue. When you value yourself, you pick people to be with who also value you. You would choose not to be with someone who consistently rejects you.
As a loving adult, you would reach out to share love with others, and if they were not available for sharing love with you, you would just move on, not taking it personally. For example, if you were at a party as a loving adult, valuing your essence, you would approach someone with openness and warmth. If that person doesn't response with openness and warmth, you would reassure your child that the person's behavior has nothing to do with you, and you would move on to another person, having received the information that this person is not open.
When you know that you are your essence rather than your wounded self, you know that you have much to offer others. Our essence always has a warm smile, a loving energy, a caring and understanding heart, a listening ear, as well as compassion and empathy to offer others. And, after all, isn't this what we all seek in our relationships?
You don't have to be the best at something or the most physically attractive person to be completely lovable. Your lovability is really about your ability to love, which your essence has in abundance. When you know this and choose to operate from your loving adult connected with your beautiful essence, you will no longer fear rejection. Isolating becomes a thing of the past when your intent is to share your love rather than avoid rejection.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
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If you are not letting yourself do what brings you joy, attend to what you fear that is stopping you. Do you fear rejection or failure? Do you fear doing well and then losing your free time, or then not living up to expectations? Not following your joy and passion indicates that your loving adult is not creating a safe space for your essence to express itself. Today notice the beliefs that are limiting you.
By Dr. Margaret Paul