I was working with Maggie at a five-day intensive. Maggie had not used Inner Bonding before. She had sought out many other forms of healing for her misery, but she was still stuck. 

As Maggie sat with me on the second day of the intensive, attempting to explore her issues, she kept collapsing into tears - the helpless, miserable tears of someone who feels like a victim. Looking at her, something did not feel right to me. Here was a very attractive, obviously bright and talented woman in her forties, with an aura of power about her and a loving and generous heart - yet she was very unhappy. She felt victimized. Something was definitely wrong with this picture. 

I realized that Maggie was resisting something. I asked, "Maggie, was one of your parents controlling with you?" 

"Yes, my mother was very controlling. Everything had to be her way." 

"Did you give in to her?" 

"Yes. I was a good girl." 

"What do you think your mother wanted from you the most?" 

Without hesitation Maggie answered, "To be happy. She used to point her finger at me and say, 'Be happy. Just be happy.' I think she felt if I wasn't happy, she wasn't a good mother." 

"Were you happy?" 

"No, I never was." 

"So, you gave in to your mother's control in everything else, but this is where you took your stand. This is where you tried to maintain some sense of self, some sense of integrity. In this one way your mother could not control you. She could not make you be happy." 

"That's right! Wow! I just remembered throwing stones in the creek one day when I was about ten and vowing to myself that there was nothing she could do to make me be happy!" 

"So, all these years you have been in a power struggle with your mother, refusing to be happy, believing on some deep level that you were maintaining your integrity and sense of self by resisting being happy?" 

"Yes. I really have. That's pretty ironic!" Maggie said, giving me a wry grin. "I'm the one who's suffering from not being happy, not her!" 

In that moment, I saw the dark cloud under which Maggie had lived her life start to lift. I sat there stunned at the seemingly instant transformation. Maggie's tears dried up and her wry grin was replaced by a beatific smile that slowly spread across her face, a smile that I would see often during the remaining three days of the intensive. After thirty-odd years of resistance, Maggie was finally free to be happy. 

An Unfortunate Example of Resistance

Trevor was a young man in his mid-twenties. His mother, who tried to completely run his life, had always wanted him to be thin, while his highly critical and financially successful father wanted him to make a lot of money. When Trevor came to see me, he was immobilized in his life. As you might guess, he was hugely obese, emotionally shut down and unwilling to find meaningful work even though he had a brilliant mind. Resisting his parents had become far more important to Trevor than getting unstuck and taking good care of himself. 

Unfortunately, recognizing how the resistance was controlling his life did not even begin to free Trevor from it. Instead, he made the conscious choice to continue to resist. In Trevor's case, resisting his parents - and thus getting back at them for trying to control him - was truly more important to him than loving himself. Being right about how awful his parents were, and punishing them for it, was more important than being happy.

Interestingly, I heard from Trevor recently, after not hearing from him for about 20 years. He shared with me that he was finally able to let go of punishing his parents, had lost weight, had meaningful work, and a girlfriend. Better late than never! I was so pleased to hear this!

How do you resist being controlled by yourself and others?

I resist by:

• Not taking physical care of myself.
• Refusing to take responsibility for my feelings.
• Procrastinating.
• Finding some way to sabotage situations.
• Being uninterested and apathetic.
• Being closed to learning.
• Saying I'd do what another wants and then I don't do it.
• Doing the opposite of what another wants.
• Doing nothing.
• Explaining, defending, or getting mad about why I shouldn't do it.
• Getting critical and making the other person wrong for asking.
• Saying I'll do it and then doing something else.
• Saying I'll do it and then forgetting or failing to show up.
• Acting helpless or incompetent.
• Getting apathetic, having no enthusiasm.
• Getting sick.
• Giving to pets or friends what another has asked me to give to them.
• Being late.
• Deliberately misunderstanding what the other person is saying.
• Doing what another person wants but doing it halfway -- doing a poor job.
• Doing it wrong on purpose.
• Pretending not to hear.
• Refusing to make a commitment.
• (Add your own)

Sometimes I resist other's control by shutting them out. I shut people out with: 

• Work
• Drugs
• Alcohol
• Hobbies
• Illness
• Meditation
• Reporting/storytelling
• Worrying
• Reading
• Sports
• Exercise
• Spending time with friends
• Spending money
• Watching TV
• Being overly absorbed with the children
• Food
• Depression
• Sleep
• Fantasizing/daydreaming
• Headphones
• Music
• (Add your own)

Becoming aware of your inner and outer power struggles and making loving yourself and others more important than not being controlled is life changing!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."