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The Energetic Conversation That Goes Unheard

By Phyllis Stein
November 29, 2009

A deeper level of tuning into our feelings is to be aware of the energetic conversation that our inner child is trying to have with us. Indeed, in any interaction, unless we are able to listen to the energetic dimension of it, the other person will never truly feel heard by us.

I am a huge fan of Cesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer.  One of the many reasons is the he consistently teaches about the energetic conversation that goes on between one dog and another or between dogs and humans.  He can read these conversations completely and talks about the authenticity of that conversation, describing it in one recent show as "an emotional x-ray."  Every time I heard him speak about this, my little girl cheers because it is so important to her that people be told of the reality of this conversation.

Not surprising, one of the reasons for this excitement is that when I grew up, the energetic conversation was never acknowledged.  Everything was taken literally and argued logically.  Intense energy was exchanged but only at the head level.  Most of the time, the only real reason to listen to what anyone else was saying was to use it to form a counterargument.  I did not find out that any other kind of conversation existed until I was in my early 20's and that remarkable experience set me on a journey to discover this other realm of human interactions.

Recently, a couple, friends, and their two children came to visit.  The children, 4 and 8, were amazing.  They were bright, open and present, yet there was a "bouncing off the walls" quality to them.  Their parents, who clearly loved them and marveled at them and were trying hard not to squash their essences, were also aware that something was out of balance in their relationship. At one point, the mother told me that a therapist had once told her "These children get more attention than any children I know and yet they are not seen at all."

Something clicked for me when she said that, and I tuned into the energetic conversation that was going on.  I saw that the parents were responding out of anxiety and concern and that their responses were, somehow, out of rhythm.  I could feel that their responses were coming BEFORE the energetic information that their children were sending was even received.  No wonder it felt like the kids were bouncing off the walls.  They were bouncing energetically off the energetic walls of their parents.  No wonder there was a sense that no matter how much attention they got, it was never going to be enough.  It was not the attention they needed.

I recognized myself in them.  Seeing this interaction with my friends and their children drove home completely what it had looked like all of the times that I was not present energetically for my own little girl (and therefore not for anyone else).  Indeed, my little girl said "See, see that is what it feels like when you do this."  I felt so sad about what she had missed all these years.  Even though, just as my friends are, I was trying my best to listen, my little girl always felt completely unheard.

At the same time, despite the sadness, I am profoundly grateful, because the earthquake that is breaking up this old pattern had already dramatically shifted my inner landscape in ways that I could never have imagined.  But my little girl is also very excited, because she knows that this image of the energetic interaction between my friends and their children will guide me back to her whenever the energetic conversation between us goes unheard.  

So she wants me to remind you of one thing.  The most profound part of step 1 of Inner Bonding, the thing your inner child needs the most, is for you to tune into the energetic conversation that he or she is trying to have with you.  Just knowing that it is there, I think, so that we can look for it, is helpful.  This is learning to listen and connect at the deepest level, the one at which your precious inner child can finally, at long last, feel "seen"  and "heard."  And if you have no idea what I am talking about, you might check out "The Dog Whisperer" which is on the National Geographic channel.  If you don't have cable, prior seasons are on DVDs at your video rental place and even free to watch on www.hulu.com (a neat site to explore anyway).  I know you do have internet:-)


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