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Question
Is it common to have WS grow stronger while stopping an addiction? I stopped smoking in the beginning of the year, started gradually smoking again after 4 months and now I have been not smoking for 2 weeks. I know from earlier attempts that the 3rd week is the hardest for me, and this is the moment I would most need to connect with Guidance to get through this. But the problem is that the symptoms are so bad that my frequency is very very low and I cannot connect with anything. I'm even getting panic attacks I haven't had for years, and I'm full of fears which I normally don't have. Or maybe I solved them by smoking. Anyway, is there anything I could think or do? Or do I just wait a couple of weeks and hope I will start feeling more normal and connected? It is very hard to be loving adult in this condition. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 08/23/10
Dr. Paul, lots of my friends "vent" to me and a new friend is doing it as well. I don't feel stressed afterwards and am happy to let them let off the steam. I don't "take it personally" I find that lots of times after the venting I personally can then address the problem. I read your article on addiction to venting and my experiences are a little different. Now there are friends who do vent and vent on the same issue and THEN I do feel stressed and I need to take steps to make sure it is not an addiction. Isn't the key issue on venting and addiction how you feel and if it continues to happen without change or addressing the issue? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/28/10
Maybe it's better not to Recognize: These are some thoughts that came to mind when thinking about inner bonding. Maybe, just maybe instead of realizing the heartache and work one must go through, maybe it's better to be one of those people who don't recognize what's going on, and feel as though life is great! Because, by recognizing all your faults, it sets us up for anger, frustration, and the willingness, yet unwillingness to change. So this is more of a statement than question, but maybe it's worth being someone slightly unaware of his problems, opposed to someone who recognizes them, yet knows it will take years to overcome; as day after day, that feeling of hopelessness remains. Just something to ponder. What are your thoughts? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/14/10
I have been trying to shed 35 lbs of weight for the last few months and have struggled. For some reason, I feel the only way to be happy is when I am thin. I have experienced this a few times in my life where I took off the weight only to gain it back. As a result, I wonder if I have been rejecting myself because of it and does this even touch on why I give myself up so quickly to get accepted from men?When I am comfortable with my body, I don't tend to do this, because I assume I was taking loving action at the time. Am I punishing myself for being so heavy and in essence abandoning myself every chance I get? If I know that dropping the few pounds will make me feel and look better, why then do I continue to reach for junk food to fill me up? Is there an underlying issue that I am unconsciously telling myself to remain stuck or am i simply feeding my IC whatever, so as to pacify her? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/13/10
In asking this, I'm giving up that this is a shallow concern, b/c I know there is something deeper underneath. I have an untreatable genetic acne condition. It's not your typical cystic acne, now that I'm in my 30s, but looks like a sea of white bacteria-filled bumps covering my entire face constantly. I've worked with dermatologists for decades now & have been on every treatment known, from accutane (yrs ago) to high grade natural/homeopathic treatments (including chiropractic, acupuncture, etc). My diet is squeaky clean, I cleanse, exercise, meditate-nothing really works & so I've been working on accepting and loving myself, & my skin, as they are. I feel stuck, though. Sometimes, I get so frustrated by the problem I pick at my skin, in a child-like attempt to get rid of it (when it only makes things worse). Almost like a form of control. There is self-loathing around this, abandonment & it feels like an addiction (the picking & hating myself for it). I'm desperate to transform this. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/08/10
Over the last 5 yrs i have had 2 different girlfriends. The 1st one was a bad choice but the 2nd one was amazing. But there was a common factor in that I cheated on both on more than one occasion. It was fun, exciting and it made me feel good at the time but that grew into massive self guilt. Why would I want to cheat on someone that was so amazing,and in a relationship that had so much potential? Is almost like I just needed to know that girls still wanted me or something. I always knew it was wrong but the most scary part is that I had NO restraint at all!To give you more info, I was heavily addicted to porn, masturbation and alcohol. Im obv trying to fill a gap inside. But how do i find out what?I know i have issues with my dad-he was not very present when i was young and I feel like i always have to impress him.He was very physical in his discipline.up to an age of about 16.I feel that my guilt,anger,depression(took medicine)withdrawn is all maybe as a result of my upbringing? Rich Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 07/01/10
Hi, I am very sad, because always when I start something I really like to do, it ends up in a mess. When I find a new sport which I like, it ends up in disappointment and frustration. When I started theatre, I loved it so much, and now I hate it because I get nearly addicted of things I like a lot.I can't stop doing those things anymore because I like them and want to do it good/right, and it never gets as good as I want it to get. I sometimes even think that there is a danger of getting addicted of this website. Is this possible? How can I regulate this? I often only realize it, when it is too late...Thank you, Bettina Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/24/10
Hello; I have had a multiple addiction personality all my life.Through IB I have managed to identify the "addictive surge" and then the"trigger" behind that. Most of my addictions are oral. Some of the triggers feel very deep, and close to the source of life itself. It feels hopeless at these times. Are there any tools or articles I might use to help? Thank you. Blessings, Poetryman Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/23/10
Hi, I have been working on my finances so that my little girl feels safe. I had been attending Debtor's Anonymous meetings previous to graduate school and that felt great. However, now I am in graduate school and have taken out student loans in order to attend. I love school and my essence feels so happy that I am becoming a therapist and loves the program. How do I reconcile going into debt for my passion and my desire not to debt? I don't want to sacrifice my dreams but I loved the support of debtor's anonymous and how it felt not to debt. How do I find a loving action? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 06/18/10
I am working from home a lot and feeling lonely, overeating and feeling bad about that, and feeling despair that I will ever get my work to the point where I can work with fun people. I keep telling myself "it's not good enough, it's not making me happy" in an accusing way. That makes me really upset. I took a big step to start out on my own. And, it's not working as well as I would like but it hasn't tanked either. For a while I have thought I was listening to my IC but I now think that this voice is my WS - critical, judging. After all, I wholeheartedly set out to do this career change and it's not very supportive to tolerate despair, is it? At any rate, I just can't manage the food right now which I suppose is diagnostic. I wonder whether anything will shift this!!! I just want to be thin again. And happy. I am wondering if I have set the wrong goals. Which makes me more anxious which then sends me back to the fridge. I am not winning on any front and getting w Read the answer by Sylvia Poareo - 05/24/10
I over ate last night again, and yet again, I wake up in despair and fear. I am beginning to wonder if my addiction to food is really about self soothing (as per the recent discussion threads) or more about maintaining a sense of being out of control and helpless. No matter what I do I can't lose the excess weight I have. I stubbornly refuse to follow diets to the letter. But, I don't go silly like I used to. It's like I am trying to make myself be overweight, fearful that I am one meal away from obese again, and never at peace around myself. I do know that last night I was distressed, hating my work and realising that I am still in love with a man I have actively "not" pursued for years now. It seems in my life I have the same issues and go around and around and around. At this point, I am tired and weary and jaded. Perhaps I don't know what loving behaviour is for a sad, distressed, jaded IC. How do I work out what she needs. My heart aches so much. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/11/10
I began IB about 18 months ago and it has been a real wonderful experience. About four months ago I actually met my wounded self, the little fellow who runs all the addictions.(I have battled multiple addictions for years.) I have dialoged with him and he refuses to listen to reason. He still wants to drink and smoke pot and overeat and go to the casino, etc. etc.Even after I point out how all these things have led to disasters, he refuses to give in. I have curbed all these behaviors, but I am talking about the impulse; the impulse remains intransigent, immovable, like a slab of New Hampshire granite. What gives here? Poetryman Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/10/10
Hi. I am struggling to understand my attitude around food. I am terrified. I used to be really overweight and trimmed down - but I have to stick to limited portions and no sugar. I thought when I did all that dieting, that I would be able to keep the weight off. But, no. Now I am literally terrified by food. Each meal I eat not much by other people's standards but it's not strict enough. I know if I stick exactly I would lose the weight I have put on again - 6kg - out of 40 I lost - but I can't. I keep sneaking food, breaking my own rules. I feel such despair. It doesn't seem fair. I hop on the scales each day and feel defeated. I eat and fear the weight coming back. But I won't eat strictly to the diet because it just feels so deprived. And, still, food is a solace for me. So it would be a whole lot easier if I could just stop food being emotional. Food = torture. I can't win. I don't know which bit of me is doing what - is it the WS forcing me to diet? Or making me break the diet? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 05/01/10
Is there a such thing as a thinking addiction? I find myself over thinking something that is bothering me to the point where i get anxious and sad. Its like a broken record, i keep thinking and thinking and its hard to stop it. I stress myself out. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 04/26/10
The empty nest is making my already-shaky marriage shakier. We are becoming aware of the strain and estrangeness between us. When he begins to sit in front of the TV for the rest of the evening, it is likely that his IC is shutting down and avoiding communication and intimacy. I would like to draw him out of that behaviour and step into a common area where we can talk, share etc. which is something loving to ourselves. How can I achieve this in action, please? Thanks. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 04/24/10
I asked about daydreaming. I know the most important reason why I daydream at present is because I had a very traumatic childhood which robbed me of my natural social confidence and my IC still is afraid and still doesn't feel confident enough to be herself when she is with other people. My daydreams compensates for this missing self esteem. I have daydreamed all my life but stopped for a while so it's possible to not daydream much for a period of time. This week I had some challenging but meaningful IB sessions around this self-esteem issue. Tuesday, I finally came home to myself, felt centered and contented. Then Wednesday, even though I still felt great, I slipped into a great deal of daydreaming, all the while knowing that this daydreaming is leading me right back into the old patterns that I don't want. And feeling helpless to reverse it. My daydreaming seems to increase in desirability and intensity somehow once I don't need it. help! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 04/08/10
This relates to previous question about daydreaming. Thank you for your answer, by the way, it was helpful. I found via Inner Bonding that I "found my way back to myself," as it were--feeling more myself, etc. I think that choosing to be in step one of IB even when I daydream--fully experiencing my daydreaming experience and how it doesn't feel good sometimes (but other times feels good) helped a lot to move me back to who I really am. I was very contented today. And I kept going back to daydreaming, so I told my WS, I'm here for you, I understand why you keep insisting on this, I love you as you are. And I told my IC, "I do see that you're feeling really battled around by the WS's daydreaming, my Loving Adult will take care of this." It helps. I am looking for other things to help with this too. I remind myself over and over again for example that it's a choice to daydream--or not. Any other suggestions or approaches to further help with staying true to myself? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 04/02/10
I asked a question about daydreaming several days ago. I have another question about it. Even when I feel good, I find that the urge to daydream still persists. It is like it is a pattern, or a habit, set in my brain. neurological stuff i think they call it, it's wired into my brain at this point and the habit is so strong, that even when I feel good, don't feel the need to daydream to get away from something, I still feel the urge to daydream. Does that make sense? What can be done about this part? It is frustrating for me. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/30/10
This is regarding IB resistance when in the frenzy of compulsive overeating during time from 3pm - 8pm home alone or I can sneak foods if others are in the house. I feel so powerless to stop the behavior enough to switch to more loving IB work. Then I feel horribly ashamed of myself the next morning and instead of going into IB work then, I vow to avoid repeating the pattern. Can you offer me some baby steps to switch from a too late intent to control, to a more "in the pm moment" ability to be get into step 1 and 2 IB process? Thanks, A Read the answer by Sylvia Poareo - 03/29/10
I woke this morning in the fog and shame of a hangover. It starts with enjoying wine with dinner the evening before then coming home and watching favorite movies and continuing with the wine. This morning after, in this state of mental torment I often feel panic, alone and desolate, desperately anxious. I am very new at IB, and am trying to open to bring love to myself even in my demoralized state. My child is mad at me for continuing to break my promise not to overindulge as a way to ignore her. I feel my efforts to bring her love today won't be received or trusted. Like a bandaid fix that is insincere. Any thoughts on how I can open to love even in this self-imposed state? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/27/10
I quit smoking 3 months ago, and now, ironically or sadly, this has led to a inflammatory bowel disease (it has been scientifically proven that there's a cause and effect system), which is an intermittent disease that I am going to have to live with the rest of my life. I feel very angry towards the world or me or doctors or something, because I thought it would be good for me to quit smoking and now this is what I got. How do I get a new perspective on this? It feels so unfair! Maybe I was expecting to get some sort of reward, like good health, by quitting, by being nice to myself. But what went wrong? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/26/10
How does the 'need to be needed' become more important than having a healthy, loving relationship? If a child has to sense what a parent needs in order to take emotional care of the parent in hopes that the parent will become emotionally available to the child does this develop into a false belief that the parent needs the child and does this, then, result in the child gaining a sense of worth from filling this external need? Does the child, then, carry this need to fill other adults' needs into adulthood and continue to abandon self? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/24/10
I daydream compulsively as an addiction to avoid deeper emotions about my life, which I don't like at present, and feel trapped in. I daydream all day long. I am guessing you'd say to do IB sessions to address the deeper difficult emotions. I try to do IB some. I find myself flying into daydreams when I start doing IB. I find it compelling to daydream and yet I don't necessarily enjoy it that much after the first while. What do you suggest if any to reduce the compulsion to daydream? Given that it's seriously interfering with my life. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/17/10
Hi Margaret - in response to your Addictions to spending article - I need help with this. I make excellent money - and have been paying off SL and debt for 7years. Finally I have no Student Loans and I am on my last debt piece. I save - but I have to allocate my money - otherwise I spin out of control. Even this week - I spent all my money - I clear out the bank...now don't get me wrong I have made considerable leaps forward..but I can't seem to even make it to the next pay-check without being at my last 10 bucks. I have multiple bank accounts to transfer funds too...but it's my "NEED" to buy, go out - even though - I know I will run out of money. I also have a few foods like "Popcorn' that I honestly become possessive over and "NEED" to have it on my own- not to share. I know when I was a child this was one thing I developed a pattern for..but it's not health. it's the "NEED". Sometimes I think I may not be ready to grow until the debt is all gone. It's been a long journey. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/16/10
In the intensive our tribe discussed a lot of fears. Margaret, you mentioned how the emotion 'FEAR' stands for 'False Emotion Appearing Real.' If this statement is true, why does this emotion linger with me so much? In our last talk we discussed how detrimental going outside myself was. We discussed how when I go inside myself I feel this fear of leaving the nest. How can this emotion be a false emotion if it effects me so powerfully? I somehow get the idea in my head that this fear might be materialized from Pain? Protecting is also linked to this, as well, I'm sure. My main question revolves around my confusion with how fear can be considered false when it effects me so profoundly. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/15/10
I feel rejected, sad,unlovable, socially and educationally undeveloped - I feel as if I've lost so many years stuck in a unsatisfying relationship. I need help in feeling good about myself - my self esteem - my self worth and to realize I am special. My marriage was based on my husband as an opportunitist - this has left me feeling that no one wants to love me for who I am - only if I can help him in some way.... Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/10
I was talking with a friend about a situation - she listened but then she began to bring herself in the picture saying: what she would have done. The incident has already passed - her comment made me feel as if she would have made a better choice than I made - I want to tell her that her comment didn't really help me and I would have appreciated better for her just to listen. suggestions? Also, during the conversation - I was talking about how I had to talk through some stuff in my mind...I'm in a process of a divorce and at one point I was thinking of canceling the petition - then I had to ask myself why? and what would the relationship be like if we got back together. Her response was: why do you do that? Again, I felt as if she should have just listened and perhaps encouraged me for coming to a resolve. Suggestions? Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/10
I wrote in last week about breaking an addiction to caretaking with my boss (and others). Let me tell you, keeping the focus on taking care of my own feelings left me with a complete sense of wellbeing, peace, and joy. I have never felt so cared for, safe, and relaxed in my life. These wonderful feelings lasted for a few days and I felt so empowered and felt so capable of taking care of my own feelings and needs. Then, after a few days, the WS came back with a vengeance. It's as if my WS is refusing to give up control. I want to be my own LA now more than ever because I know how good taking care of my own feelings feels. It feels better than anything I could get from outside of myself. Yet, as much as I want it, my WS is so intent on being in control that I am in intense anxiety without a single fear that I can identify except that my WS does not want to give up control. Any ideas about how to take care of myself through this intense time my while WS is refusing to let go of control. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/10
I'm looking for a different job - I've sent previous resumes out before - I feel doubt and negative that I won't get a job - I'm not good enough - others will be better than me. I have these same critical/judgmental thoughts about dating as well. Thinking - I won't be good enough - young enough - smart enough - other woman will be better than me. I've lost self-confidence & self esteem very low. These negative thoughts hinder me - it's like i've already decided the outcome! I look around and see that others change jobs and move on - I should be able to. I want to - feel stuck - listening and being discouraged by negative chatter. Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/12/10
I'm becoming aware of making a man responsible for my feelings - to feel validated, special and loved. I'm in the process of a divorce. I have been very careful not to get involved in a relationship as I need to heal and be healthy. Sometimes,I still think that the thought of having a man to love me would ultimately make me happy.I don't want to "need" a man for my happiness and I want to stop making a man so powerful. I need to make myself happy and content and eradicate that false belief of having a man to feel secure and make me happy. Need help! Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/12/10
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A Testimonial

Not a book [Inner Bonding] about blame or woe is me! A very balanced view for working with our inner responsibility for where we are in the present and where we want to be in the future. It does not focus on the "poor baby" syndrome and assign blame to others. It helps to identify reasons why we are where we are, but then strongly encourages self responsibility. An excellent book for anyone wanting to grow and take charge of their own life!

A reader from Pennsylvania