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105 QUESTION(S)
Question
I feel rejected, sad,unlovable, socially and educationally undeveloped - I feel as if I've lost so many years stuck in a unsatisfying relationship. I need help in feeling good about myself - my self esteem - my self worth and to realize I am special. My marriage was based on my husband as an opportunitist - this has left me feeling that no one wants to love me for who I am - only if I can help him in some way....
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/10
I was talking with a friend about a situation - she listened but then she began to bring herself in the picture saying: what she would have done. The incident has already passed - her comment made me feel as if she would have made a better choice than I made - I want to tell her that her comment didn't really help me and I would have appreciated better for her just to listen. suggestions? Also, during the conversation - I was talking about how I had to talk through some stuff in my mind...I'm in a process of a divorce and at one point I was thinking of canceling the petition - then I had to ask myself why? and what would the relationship be like if we got back together. Her response was: why do you do that? Again, I felt as if she should have just listened and perhaps encouraged me for coming to a resolve. Suggestions?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/10
I wrote in last week about breaking an addiction to caretaking with my boss (and others). Let me tell you, keeping the focus on taking care of my own feelings left me with a complete sense of wellbeing, peace, and joy. I have never felt so cared for, safe, and relaxed in my life. These wonderful feelings lasted for a few days and I felt so empowered and felt so capable of taking care of my own feelings and needs. Then, after a few days, the WS came back with a vengeance. It's as if my WS is refusing to give up control. I want to be my own LA now more than ever because I know how good taking care of my own feelings feels. It feels better than anything I could get from outside of myself. Yet, as much as I want it, my WS is so intent on being in control that I am in intense anxiety without a single fear that I can identify except that my WS does not want to give up control. Any ideas about how to take care of myself through this intense time my while WS is refusing to let go of control.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/13/10
I'm looking for a different job - I've sent previous resumes out before - I feel doubt and negative that I won't get a job - I'm not good enough - others will be better than me. I have these same critical/judgmental thoughts about dating as well. Thinking - I won't be good enough - young enough - smart enough - other woman will be better than me. I've lost self-confidence & self esteem very low. These negative thoughts hinder me - it's like i've already decided the outcome! I look around and see that others change jobs and move on - I should be able to. I want to - feel stuck - listening and being discouraged by negative chatter.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/12/10
I'm becoming aware of making a man responsible for my feelings - to feel validated, special and loved. I'm in the process of a divorce. I have been very careful not to get involved in a relationship as I need to heal and be healthy. Sometimes,I still think that the thought of having a man to love me would ultimately make me happy.I don't want to "need" a man for my happiness and I want to stop making a man so powerful. I need to make myself happy and content and eradicate that false belief of having a man to feel secure and make me happy. Need help!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/12/10
I'm understanding clearly that I have an issue with control. Wanting certain situations to develop and turn out the way I want them - wanting people to turn out the way I want them.When it doesn't turn out the way I'm anticipating, it throws me for a loop. ie: a friend of mine I was seeing - having coffee with. He was going away for a vacation - I anticipated/wanted/thought that he would have corresponded while on vacation - sent pics of tours, etc. However, this did not happen - this was my view, my perspective. How can I still have my perspective and be able to move on when it doesnt come to fruition?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/12/10
I find myself obsessively checking my email and surfing the net. It feels addictive and like it is covering up feelings. I notice that open space and time leads me to feel overwhelmed, scared and exhausted. I know that my parents never taught me how to structure my time in a loving way and now I have to learn to do it with guidance. However, it is very challenging to hear guidance around this issue. I have a drill sergeant inner kid who wants me to get a billion things done and also be joyful and creative and perfectly serene and another inner kid who is exhausted and doesn't know how to schedule herself. How can I hear guidance around issues of scheduling and free time? I feel like I run to the internet to avoid the battle between these guys and I never feel like I satisfy any part of myself.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/09/10
Hi. Today is my birthday and I have never felt so alone or so down. I have read different sections of your website but wonder if you can give me some advice on how to deal with yourself when you are feeling that low? It is very easy to fall back to addictive patterns of behaviour but it is so hard to put something else in its place and as I sit here right here now - I struggle to even think what I could put in its place that would lessen the loneliness / depression / pain? In fact if I am totally honest - all I want to do is numb the feelings so that I don't have to feel this way. Does anyone else relate to this and have you any advice as to what has worked for you?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 03/03/10
I just read the love and addictions article you sent out this week. WOW. This I am 3/5 with this. I often feel have thoughts and tell myself my partner doesn't care for me as much because he goes in waves with his affection or how much 'attention' he is paying to me. I don't know when or how I started to do this. I get what your saying its my thoughts that create my feelings - but then what AM I picking up on or feeling when he is 'not into me' as much...and I find as a man he goes in waves...very close and then in his own world for a while. Another question - we had a discussion about me being an open person and him being closed. I said that when he approaches things from being close/private I feel shut out...but he said that my openness is sometimes too overwhelming..I see both sides..do you recommend anything I can read about this? B/c I realized I talk to him like HE is an open person - and it doesn't work...
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
I find that my thoughts are following a familiar pattern. Life is challenging as I have been without steady work for a couple of years and my financial resources are exhausted. Also, a couple of months ago my significant other moved away and it was time for it to end anyway as we had gotten into an unresolvable issue. In retrospect he was an addiction that helped me to avoid my feelings about my finances and I preferred having this love connection to being without one. I am now building a promising new business with competent partners. My 'programming' is telling me that I should flat avoid a new intimate relationship so that I am not distracted. I also know that I feel an unworthiness of being loved, because I am embarrassed about my situation. I have repeatedly done this in life, tell myself I'm not worthy of a relationship, or not relationship material, until X happens. Any advice on what a love addict should do under the circumstances should a new love interest present himself?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/24/10
hello, it is a week that i am not smoking. I talk everyday with my IC and ask her: do you want to smoke? - she turns her head 'no' - doesent feel great not to smoke? - and she nods Yes- At night when I am in bed I tell her how great she did for not smoking today. in the morning I pray and I feel my fear that I might fall and smoke. As of now I am happy of this connection with my IC- I totally feel her and see her here when I ask her these questions- more than others, for now- I am also noticing that my WS is also stronger though. It is like both sides of me, the light positive connected one, and the wounded dark sad one are getting stronger. i.e. today I am at library , and just one clear thought " I don t want to be here" ( as in here in life, notthe library) got me to start crying tearing asap. I know that i have other withdrawing and procrastinating behaviours to correct, but can you tell me a bit about this 2 sides feeling both stronger? suggestions? Thank you!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/21/10
Is it possible to get angry just because you are abandoning yourself? The other day I got really angry without any apparent reason. I was at work with my ex and he made me a simple request of doing something. I was a little bit busy and answered something like 'I cannot do everything at once', really a wounded answer because I could have said yes, in a minute. And then I did what I was asked and got really angry and frustrated, at him and at everything. So what I think might have happened is that I automatically went into resistance when he asked me to do something, which happened in our codependent system all the time. So could my anger be just about me resisting and thereby abandoning myself? He really didn't ask for anything unreasonable and I'm really trying to work on being kind to myself and others instead of resisting.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/20/10
I'm having trouble discerning between what is being a spiritually evolved, forgiving person & what is lapsing back into codependence. After an incredibly stressful year in which my partner and I both did some treatment for codependence, miscarried two babies, he lost his job and couldn't get back on his feet in the recession, and we both became depressed (with me hormonally imbalanced on top of it all), he left me 6 weeks ago to live with his parents and work on his recovery on his own. He says the challenges we had this year are all signs that, however much we love each other, we make a toxic combination. I believe that we were more likely in the "worse before it gets better" time - giving up our codependent coping mechanisms without any practice in replacing them, more stressors than ever before, and precious few supports around us. I'd like to work my CODA recovery and IB programs for a few more months, then arrange to see him & see where we are. What do you think?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/15/10
I understand all the addictive behaviors that lead to self abandonment and anxiety. But I find it impossible to move out of addictive behaviors because of an intense need to protect from feeling them. I know this is my WS and there is deep resistance to feeling any core pain to the extent that my WS would rather I feel anxious all day than feel any core feelings. I am aware this is core pain feelings from my childhood abuse. Do you have any tips for helping me be willing to feel my core past feelings?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/12/10
I'm having a lot of trouble with staying in the present. Sometimes I can focus on an incredible level, but then my mind will wander. I'm thinking that meditation and yoga will help...but I'd like to learn more on other methods (such as nature experiences, teas, foods, scents, whatever!!!) that will help me to stay focused on ME. This is Margaret's homework for me so I'm doing my best to work on it. -C
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 02/04/10
Hi there, I have been growing through inner bonding over the last few years. One thing however, is my overspending. Although I am managing to pay off heavy debt...I manage to do good for a while and then feel an intense urge to shop. I have managed to not allow myself to by things I don't love. But I am still buying things and overspending. One thing I noticed is when I travel or am in nature (rather than the city) I am active and calm and I don't feel these urges. Unfortunately I can't be in these places all the time. Do you have articles about this and do many people come to you for advice on finances?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/31/10
My question is....how do you stop an addiction to an emotional behaviour? It seems I thrive off of feeling, like there is "something wrong" that way I get my husband's attention.....yes in the negative way....but none-the-less, it's attention...I seem to be accustomed to this from childhood...& it causes me not to have a healthy happy life, that I know I could be living & one that is just dying to break out! Thanks!
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/29/10
I know I shouldn't binge eat but I can't stop myself. I will even be self aware that I'm doing it to fill an emotional need - but then I feel even more compelled to do it, just to feel that no one is going to tell me what to do. Any suggestions?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/25/10
"Also, you need to tune into the core feelings that you are avoiding with food and TV. Are you avoiding feeling loneliness or heartache? Learning to manage the painful core feelings is essential to moving beyond addictions." Margaret, this is your response to someone in an earlier posted question. Could you comment further about managing painful core feelings/moving beyond addictions? I think I could listen to you talk all day about this topic. I really enjoy the podcasts for that reason. It gives me a big dose on a topic to think about and work around. I'd love to have a podcast on this topic. watson
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/16/10
Thank you for the addicted to connection article. I have been handing over my great child to "powerful" others for a long time. I find my child literally just wants me to sit and focus on loving him, no answers or control. I'm trying to do "just" that.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/13/10
I just listened to your addiction podcast and realized something inside myself I've been avoiding. I am embarrassed to say, sometimes I would have images of me having sex with someone. I don't have a boyfriend and I don't want to just have sex for the sake of satisfying my sexual needs. Yet I feel that whenever I would feel like making love to someone, I would tell myself I don't need that. I do realize that part of me is not filled. I am afraid that I am going to act out some day ---sleeping with someone too soon-- then regretting it. Like I once did. Can you give me some advice? Thank you.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/13/10
I have quit smoking just a few days ago. I have tried it before but always failed after 6 months, but this time I feel more prepared. However, this is getting difficult again. The hardest part is sleeping. I have wild dreams and strange nightmares and although I try to learn from them, it is not working that well. It is hard to sleep and I wake up very anxious, although normally I have no sleeping problems, I love going to bed and I am very happy when I wake up. But now I sometimes wake up screaming in the middle of the night and the feeling continues during the day. Is this just withdrawal symptoms? I've been doing EFT and it helps me to get back to sleep, but again when I wake up, I feel terrible. I have no idea if these are core feelings or from WS. Any advice?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 01/05/10
Can you comment on the Tiger Woods situation? I know it's a bit unfair as we can't know exactly what was in his mind but being someone who seemed to have had it so "together", why would/how could there have been so many lies and things to hide behind the facade. And his wife, what could she have done to be more loving? I guess in IB everyone has to take responsibility for themselves so his cheating behaviour is not her fault but if one were with someone who had so many issues to work out, what could one have done except leave and disengage? Thoughts?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/24/09
I have spent a lifetime of dieting by restricting calories and gaining the weight back. I am now middle aged and need to lose weight for health reasons. The problem is my IC panics when I restrict calories in a healthy way. She needs to eat the minute we are hungry. She doesn't stop when full because she is afraid we won't eat again. How can I restrict calories and get to a healthy weight when my IC doesn't trust me not to starve her as I have done so many times in the past? How can I get her to trust me?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/12/09
Re: Diet ~ can diet supplements be a part of the IB process? I am wondering if I can add energy/appetite supplements to my natural health diet or am I not honouring the process of listening to my body? Dr. Paul's article "Weight" mentions she discovered she needed only 900 calories per day to lose weight. This is below the published standard of 1200+ cals/day. It seems extraordinary to trust my body this way ~ following my intuition/instincts for my true nutritional needs! Any advice to help me in this process? Thank you :)
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 12/02/09
My WS tried to protect me with withdrawing in the face of anothers unloving behavior. When I first time learned that withdrawing is also unloving behavior I worked very hard to stop this behavior. Instead of withdrawing I learned to be in compassion for my core feelings. I thought my LA is getting strong and I was really proud of myself. Today I discovered a shocking truth about myself. The whole time I thought I am managing so well I am still withdrawing. Not my physical body. In every interaction with this person (who acted very unloving towards me in the past and whom I forgave and don't have problem seeing him and do things together occasionally and want to have fun with) I am withdrawing - I am withholding sharing myself - sharing things about me and what is going on in my life. By doing this I am sure I continue creating a distance. I think this is another way my WS learned how to survive. I do not even know where and how do I start to open up.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/30/09
1. Pain -> 2. Reaching out to an addictive agent, such as work, food, sex, alcohol, or dependent relationships to salve our pain -> 3. Temporary anesthesia -> 4. Negative consequences -> 5. Shame and guilt, which result in more pain or low self-esteem It looks to me like IB really helps to prevent step two from even happening since we reach out to ourselves and try to sit with our reasons for feeling abandoned and try to be a force of stability to ourselves through our higher power. I have a daughter who is suffering from an eating disorder and I am trying to model self care.
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/26/09
I have been battling overeating for the past year; at the same time I have been doing IBing . In the last few weeks I have begun losing some weight, due to decisions I have made. The decisions feel very adult.Is it inner bonding that is leading me? Charlie Peck
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/22/09
When I come into the house I am instantly suspicious of my boyfriend where he has been, with who and what he has been doing.My WS is triggered when he goes into the bathroom, I get very afraid that he is masturbating - we have been sleeping in separate beds lately but my attention is on him when he goes to sleep because I am afraid to hear him or just know that he is masturbating. I have done an IB process with this at least 3 times, but am not really sure why I am being triggered. The only things that have come up is that I feel nauseous, worried, and afraid in my solar plexus, but have not had any memories surface around this. I know that I abandon myself when I put my attention on him, I have to put headphones on with loud music not to. I have become so much like my mother very controlling - growing up, my mother would not let us lock any doors in the house, I remember her being very angry and hitting us if we locked the bathroom. Did I internalize this behavior? Can you please help?
Read the answer by Dr. Margaret - 11/16/09
I just realized a strange habit I have had all my life: When I buy something, I can't just buy one - I have to "stock up", buying 3 or 4 of the same item, as if I am afraid that I'll never find the item again, or at least not as good a deal. It could be good fitting shoes or mascara or even food. I don't always do it, but often. This clearly is a false belief, but how do I break free from this addiction?
Read the answer by Dr. Erika - 11/08/09
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Vancouver,British Columbia
604/736-7973

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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